As you all know, DownToBuck has been done with women since the beginning of the season because every time I get close to a lady, she somehow finds out about Kyle Korver and then runs away to go live with him or something. Honestly, I lose track of them once they split, so for all I know he’s got a harem of my ex-GFs pleasuring him at all hours of the day. Anyway, these circumstances have led me to swear off all women. Forever.
But lately I’ve been breaking my own self-imposed “bachelor for life” rule. There’s this cutie who works at the Dunkin Donuts near my place. Every time I order my Munchkins (they’re like donut holes) or my muffin or my hashy-browns she’s all smiley and giggly. The first few times I was just super ice-cold towards her, but that didn’t work because she was still being a flirt. I think my “impassive” face must be really attractive to chicks or something.
Friends, let me tell you. If you’re alpha like me, you can’t stop females from coming at you no matter what you do. Words of wisdom.
So eventually my resolve started to break down because she was really persistent, and did I already mention that’s she’s a def 8.5/10 on the hotness scale? If she didn’t have to wear that stupid polo shirt that you have to wear if you work at Dunkin Donuts, she probably would have been a 9/10 ez pz. So, back to the story, I started reciprocating her advances. If you don’t know what reciprocating means it’s basically like I was doing the same thing to her that she was doing to me. I would say stuff like “I bet you like putting these donut balls in your mouth” and “can I go back there and frost some of your donuts?” Just little teasing comments that would get her thinking.
I’m going on a tangent here, but there’s one wrinkly bitch who works there who like never smiles. When me and this chick were bantering she would just roll her eyes and shake her head. If she’s like that all the time no wonder everybody hates her. Then again, maybe she’s onto something. Maybe she knows that all women are succubi since she’s one herself. Sometimes advice comes from really weird places, like when the digital clock next to your bed reads 7:07 but when you’re lying down it looks like it says LOL.
So today I just asked the DD girl if she wanted to hang out sometime. Actually I didn’t even ask, I just made it a statement like “so what do you want to do tonight?” Women like it when you take charge. They like to be submissive, even the weird feminist ones who only talk about empowerment. Anyway, we made plans to watch movies at my place and I was stoked because it’s been a long time since a hot (did I mention she was hot) chick was present in the DTB residence.
Fast forward to tonight. I cleaned up all my Hot Pocket wrappers off the floor by putting them in a pile in the sink and I also lit some candles. I had to lock my cat Japurri in the closet since he likes to snuggle with me all the time, but I was afraid that he would ruin the mood with the girl. Her name’s Meg by the way. I think I typed that earlier but I’m too lazy to check. Japurri meowed for a bit but then he probably fell asleep. There’s some blankets in there he can curl up in. He’s a good kitty.
I also went through my computer and hid all the Kyle Korver related files. Did you know I made ten Korver videos this year? And that’s not even counting the three-ilations. Anyway, I made a new folder on my desktop called “gross pictures” and put all the stuff in there. If I know one thing about girls, which I do because I actually know lots of things about girls, it’s that girls don’t like looking at gross things. I was pretty sure Meg wouldn’t click on that folder even if she somehow got on my computer, which I didn’t intend to let her.
When she arrived she was dressed in these really cute clothes. I said “you look stunning” and she seemed to like that. Girls 101: compliment them on their appearance. I learned that one early. Japurri realized somebody had come into the house so he started meowing, but when Meg asked what the sound was I just said it was my toaster. She totally bought it. I’m not going to let my cat cuck me.
The movie choice for the night was already decided: “Dude Where’s My Car” starring Sean William Scott and Ashton Kutcher. If a girl doesn’t like that movie, then she can’t be my GF. You know how women have all these little tests that they test you with? That movie is my test. Take that females.
During the movie Meg kept making comments about how cute Ashton Kutcher was. That got me a little worried because Kyle Korver looks a lot like that dude. I paused the movie to go to the bathroom and strategize. Also because I drank too much Mtn Dew.
I decided that I would just play it cool and let her think Ashton Kutcher was hot if she wanted. It’s not like she would get on my computer and see pictures of Kyle Korver or anything.
Then when I got out of the bathroom, Meg was sitting at my computer.
Part II: http://youtu.be/FiO4ghH5ENc