The cursed white sand falls upon the land of Minnesota in horrific storms of white devilry. I am almost entirely housebound, so great is my fear of the devil’s precipitation. I now decline any invitations by my teammates to carouse about town, for Lucifer could command the sky to produce evil white sand at any time and catch me unprepared. He might even time his storms to coincide with those times when I am most vulnerable. I would not doubt it.
When I am forced to exit my home, to play a basketball game or to retrieve Christmas presents for my family (who all blessedly reside in the snowless land of Senegal), I am more vigilant than ever. I take great care to not let even a granule of the cursed white sand to touch my boots as I walk. I am not convinced that my six layers of footwear (sock, flip-flop, extra sock, sneaker, boot, extra boot) will protect my toes from the sand’s demonic effects. Every item of winter clothing, I wear double or triple of. Not an inch of my skin is without at least three layers separating it from the horrible precipitation which this land is cursed with. I overheat significantly wearing such large amounts of clothing, but it is worth it; I have not yet this winter been assaulted by even a single flake of the damnable stuff.
The inhabitants of this land insist on calling it “snow” even when I have informed them multiple times of its true nature as a creation of Satan. I suspect they use this name for it so as to be able to more easily ignore its inherent evilness.
I am thinking about requesting a trade to a location where none of the cursed white sand can ever fall from the sky. I have talked to players in Phoenix, Orlando, Los Angeles, and Houston; they all assured me (with some confusion) that none of the devil’s precipitation has ever fallen in those locations that they can recall. I would hate to leave my friends on the team, but personal safety must be my first priority. Coach Thibs should certainly understand that. And, frankly, it is not just my safety that is at risk with every additional second I reside in this land forgotten by god. It is my very sanity that is at risk.
P.S. Everybody’s busy sucking off Jokic but guess who was making him into a bitch last night? Me.”