Sources within the Kings organization have furnished me with the new year’s resolutions of every player on the team. I am providing this list of resolutions with absolutely no redactions, corrections, or other edits.
DeMarcus Cousins: Beat up that reporter for real this time
Rudy Gay: Get traded
Darren Collison: Don’t beat up any more girlfriends (talk to DeMarcus for tips on how not to beat people up)
Ty Lawson: Only drink before road games – stay totally sober for home games!!!!
Matt Barnes: Find Derek Fisher and destroy him
Arron Afflalo: Get traded
Omri Casspi: Promote unity between Israelis and Palestinians through three-pointers
Ben McLemore: Get traded
Kosta Koufos: Try Rogaine, it can’t hurt
Willie Cauley-Stein: Wait patiently for chance to contribute
Malachi Richardson: Win a game of Civilization 6 with every civ on every difficulty
Skal Labissiere: Play real minutes just one time, please, just once
Georgios Papagiannis: DEMARCUS COUSINS IS VERY SOFT PLAYER! WRONG! IS LIE!!!!