Welcome to part one of my bold, forward-looking new series where I display the first made shot of every player who converted a field goal this season, starting with the most prolific shot-maker and ending with the most marginal scrub in the NBA. I have dubbed it a “full-ilation”, because what could be more “full” than a video series which shows every player in the NBA?
However, I understand that people have busy lives. They might not necessarily have the time to sit through nine minutes of NBA carnage. That’s why I’ve listed (with timestamps) some of the highlights of this video below, so you can skip to the good parts while ignoring the part where LeBron James’ first basket isn’t even a windmill dunk but instead a stupid floater, or the part where Cory Joseph makes a layup, but it’s more like a “lame-up” because of how lame it is.
Here we go!
0:00 – Typical Westbrook. Not even looking to pass to Durant. Wait. Where’d Durant go?
0:10 – “I’m Anthony Davis so I have to take this shot even it’s a leaning baseline jumper”
0:25 – First dunk of the video! But the moment is bittersweet, because you know that Wiggins can dunk it better than that, yet he rarely does. You stand up from your computer and walk to the window. Outside, the sun is shining, but your heart feels icy cold. Cruel disappointment engulfs your mind.
1:15 – “Keeps the ball out of the better scorer’s hands” says the commentator. Are we talking about 15-16 Russell Westbrook again?
1:24 – Kawhi Leonard totally says “god damn it” here.
1:50 – Everybody who saw this Blopez three-pointer live was surprised by it. Little did we know that Blopez would be a credible three-point threat for the entire season. Also shout out to Lakers fans for bumping up the view counts on all my Blopez videos, you guys suck but this one time I’m gonna give you props.
1:54 – Here’s my hot take: it’s the collective NBA fanbase’s fault that Kevin Durant took the hardest road to Golden State. If you simpletons weren’t so obsessed with championships, he wouldn’t have felt so pressured to go somewhere where he could win one. You can’t simultaneously be fixated on ring counts and also want players to endure less-than-ideal situations. There. That’s my opinion. Also did Durant just pull out the Dirkarooni?
2:32 – I will never stop doing Nikola Jokic highlights. That’s a promise.
2:48 – Why is Jordan Clarkson all the way up here? Sick jumper though.
3:12 – Look for the hidden symbolism. Hint: it’s Carmelo Anthony being a big bag of stinky poopoo that sunk the Knicks franchise while Kristaps is the franchise savior.
4:06 – It’s not really surprising at all that DeAndre Jordan’s first basket this season was a dunk. If you were surprised by that, you’re just a moron.
4:09 – Remember when Victor Oladipo was considered a fair package to receive in exchange for Paul George? LOL (lots of laughs)
4:52 – I was gonna say that this was the first flop of the video, but I won’t say it because closer inspection reveals that Drummond really did get popped in the face here. This is also a good place to get in some hand-wringing over the obsolescence of the traditional big man.
5:27 – Brook Lopez yells “way to go Bogie”. Was he being sarcastic?
5:39 – The font I used doesn’t have hyphens in it. Sorry.
5:48 – “Burly” is a code word for “fat”.
6:06 – Credit to Crawford here. If I was driving against Noah Vonleh’s ugly-ass braids I would probably puke and turn the ball over.
6:35 – The first of several goal-tended baskets in this series. Frankly, my decision to include goaltends just totally ruined the video, but it’s too late to go back and fix it because I’m too lazy. If Jae Crowder is watching this, 1.) I’m sorry and 2.) can I please touch your hair, it looks really soft and erotic.
6:42 – Gorgui Dieng’s midrange game is severely underrated. Also, everybody says that midrange is dead yet this is about the hundredth midrange jumper in the video and we’re not even a quarter of the way done.
6:56 – Who cares about Trevor Ariza’s lame layup? Nene just pulled off a behind the back pass. What.
7:04 – LOL (lots of laughs)
7:40 – You’d expect a guy whose nickname is $ean$wag to dunk it here. This could be grounds for nickname revocation.
8:00 – Dirk is between Marvin Williams and Will Barton in this video. Are you crying right now? Because I definitely am, and it’s not because I just burned my mouth on a Hot Pocket.
8:13 – I think this clip provides a perfect synopsis of MKG’s scoring “ability”. Even the rim didn’t want that garbage to go in.
8:18 – Check out the score. Damn. Shoulda been starting Jokic.
8:49 – I put E’Twaun Moore here for laughs. He should be at the end of part two. Also sorry again, the font I used doesn’t have apostrophes either. Upon further review it does have hyphens, but I didn’t use them because I wanted the punctuation to be consistently missing.
Stay tuned for part 2, where we start getting into some real scrubs like Shelvin Mack and Rudy Gay!