Every NBA Player’s First Field Goal This Season (2016-17 Season Full-ilation Part III)

Part three of my full-ilation is subtitled “entering the void of lesser talent” because we’ve gotten to the point where some of these guys can’t even be called “role players” anymore. Diehard DTB adherents should recognize these dudes, but casual peasants might be confused by some of the names. That’s okay. You’re free to leave my channel at any time. Dirty casuals.

0:00 – Mindingus regards LeBron’s attempts at playing defense with amused dismissiveness. “Maybe next time, kid.”

0:20 – Usually I complain about weird camera angles, but this particular angle perfectly elucidates the absolute rock-bottom terribleness of Anthony Tolliver’s floater. This shot should never have been taken, and it certainly should never have gone through the net.

0:40 – To me that looked like a double-dribble to me.

1:00 – Watch out, former ROTY of the year coming through! From averaging 20/5/5 his rookie year to being involved in a Sacramento police chase to appearing in part three of my 2016-17 Full-ilation, Tyreke’s career certainly has not gone as planned. At the very least, he can tell his grandkids, “I pulled out the Eurostep on old-ass Al Jefferson.”

1:14 – K.J. McDaniels stands up on the bench because he knows he should be the one dunking it and not Corey Brewer. That’s why he’s not clapping. He’s just glaring at his nemesis.

1:23 – LOL (lots of laughs)

1:33 – I’m pretty sure every single one of Malcolm Delaney’s field goal attempts this year was a midrange jumper.

1:49 – Alan Williams lives up to his “Big Sauce” nickname by, uh, being big, and, um, covering Raymond Felton with a big warm load of his special sauce.

2:12 – Two Spencers in a row! What a quinkydink!

2:21 – This shot is the reason that Stanley Johnson didn’t play much this year.

2:45 – Two Smiths in a row, but one of them is a Finney-Smith, so it doesn’t count. Also, in case knowledge of the ordering scheme of this video somehow eluded you, Dorian Finney-Smith made more shots than J.R. Smith did.

2:49 – Let’s have a moment of silence for Aaron Brooks’ career. Your 20 PPG for the Rockets will never be forgotten.

2:53 – 😫😫😫

3:10 – Skal would be way higher on this list if he wasn’t UNFAIRLY HELD DOWN by the Kings’ coaching staff. If Cousins had gotten traded in November, Skal would appear in part one of this series. No question. NO QUESTION.

3:29 – Sickest fly-by ever? Unequivocal yes.

3:34 – Another one to file under “false advertising”. I wonder if any Bulls fans still think that they won the MCW/Snell trade? LOL (loving our laughs)

3:43 – I just looked it up and Derrick Williams is still a free agent as of the time of this writing. I don’t even know what to feel.

4:08 – There are two wet things in this clip: Bertans’ jumper, and my eyes after witnessing it.

4:22 – It seems like the “running hook across the lane while getting pushed out of position” is a staple for some of these less-talented scorers.

4:28 – McDermott out here trying to steal passes.

4:54 – Who said it? Who said the bad word?

5:15 – Man, it looked like Dunleavy was gonna dunk it here, and then his upward momentum just kinda stopped. Dunleavy on Kuzminskas definitely has a “dunk of the year solely involving white guys” ring to it.

5:20 – In contrast to the previous one, at no point during this clip did I think Beno Udrih was a risk to dunk the ball.

5:33 – Alexis Ajinca could average 16/11/1/1/1 if he ever found a coach that would let him play that many minutes. No lies here, only true facts.

5:59 – I thought Brandan Wright was a dunker?

6:04 – Ron Baker’s shot looks exactly like the Matthew Dellavedova shot from part 2, except driving with the opposite hand. Did I just stumble upon the most accurate NBA comparison for Virginity-Taker Baker?

6:12 – True or false: Heat fans have totally given up on Justise Winslow.

6:29 – I now believe Thunder fans when they kept saying that Semaj Christon was the worst backup PG in the league.

6:52 – 94 million dollars.

7:00 – Dirk’s sequence of thoughts here: “Damn that midget stole the ball.” “The quarter’s almost over and I don’t feel like running back to play defense.” “Whoa there’s more time left than I thought, better start running.” “Too late.”

7:06 – Is this really Troy Williams or is at actually Troy Daniels? Conspiracy!

7:11 – Stephen Zimmerman sighting! Boban makes everybody look like a manlet.

7:37 – 64 million dollars.

7:40 – I don’t have much sympathy to spare for NBA players, but I sorta feel bad for Cameron Payne ever since that Bulls source said he wasn’t cut out to be in the NBA after his second practice with the team.

7:52 – Totally thought that was David West. I’m like “when does McAdoo score?”


8:34 – Honestly expected a garbage hook shot here. Am disappointed.

Next up: part four, where making just one field goal during the whole season secures your spot in a highlight video.

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