Every NBA Player’s First Field Goal This Season (2016-17 Season Full-ilation Part IV)

This is what you’ve been waiting for. The scrubbiest scrubs in the NBA, making shots. Every player shown in this video made 55 field goals or less. Hell yeah.

0:09 – I’m not sure Jeff Withey even touched this ball.

0:52 – This is the first, but not the last, player in the video where I saw him and thought to myself “this guy is never going to play in the NBA again.”

1:02 – Chris Webber is talking about god knows what and the net didn’t even make any noise. Overall, this clip was an unfulfilling experience. Not even James Jones’ presence could save it. 2/10.

1:11 – LMAO (lolling my ass off)

1:46 – Most people would make fun of Anthony Bennett here for taking a shot that displays unwarranted confidence in his own abilities. Some of those people would go even further, directly attributing Bennett’s failures to his seeming inability to evaluate his own talent and using this clip as an example of his NBA-unworthiness. I won’t do any of that. Instead I’ll just say that I hope Bennett turns it around so that I can make a bunch of highlight videos for him.

1:52 – That’s “Cavaliers Legend” Andrew Bogut to you. Sorry, that was low-hanging fruit. I’ll only pick the high-hanging fruit from now on.

1:57 – Obligatory “multi-sport athlete” comment here.

2:04 – Cheick Diallo’s hammer was so powerful that the microphones started malfunctioning. Unseen in the video is the International Space Stating getting jarred out of its orbit by the shockwaves and crashing into the Pacific ocean.

2:31 – One could say he was…COOKING…in this game. Ha! Ha! Ha!

2:40 – I don’t feel right making fun of Omer Asik ever I saw that picture of him where he looked like a skeleton.

2:49 – No highlight video is complete without a Ralph Lawler “BINGO” to remind you how glad you are not to be a Clippers fan.

3:17 – This was a pass, not a shot attempt. You can tell because Huertas looks embarrassed afterwards. He also looks like a hobbit.

3:40 – Deyonta Davis’ 17 points in this game will remain forever the least-exciting seventeen points in NBA history. This is also the least-exciting dunk in NBA history. In fact, it’s the only dunk that ever has made a highlight video worse by its inclusion.

3:59 – It’s a good thing Nicolas Laprovittola is no longer in the league because I was going to probably confuse with him with Nicolas Brussino at some point.

4:04 – Rakeem Christmas reminds me of Dale Davis too! Yeah. Totally. I came up with that comparison like five years ago.

4:35 – “McCullough…throws it up” is a perfect description of this field goal attempt.

4:39 – TOO BIG, TOO STRONG

4:58 – Jared Sullinger is Sean May 2.0

5:34 – Udonis Haslem might be near the bottom of the list here, but I fully expect him to continue playing for the Heat for the next ten years.

5:39 – Speaking of playing for the next ten years, how long will teams keep giving contracts to Joel Anthony?

5:48 – What did I just watch?

5:58 – Flashbacks to that one video of “Mikey” Miller canning threes in an empty gym while not wearing a shirt. Except in this video his torso is fully clothed. And this video is significantly less likely to steal your girlfriend than that other one.

6:11 – “Spin-o-rama” indeed.

6:15 – GPII was 1-of-9 on three-pointers. You know, in case you were wondering.

6:28 – Will Bruno Caboclo ever be ready? In case you missed it, he BANKED IN A THREE, which seems to indicate that he still has no idea how his arms work.

6:38 – You mean to tell me that Josh Huestis’ last name isn’t pronounced hew-ess-tiss? Has my whole life been a lie?

6:47 – Man, Jordan Hill’s career has gone way downhill. Like so downhill that it’s underground now.

6:50 – Not an underhanded free throw = not interested. Get this garbage out of my face.

7:12 – Explain to me right now why Edy Tavares can’t be just as good as Boban Marjanovic. Hard mode: don’t use the words “skill”, “talent”, “the”, or “Edy Tavares”.

7:25 – I feel like Manny Harris was a 15th man five years ago so why is he still a 15th man now? Is it because he possesses a sought-after NBA skill, which is shooting pull-up jumpers from inside the foul-line?

8:03 – I expect nothing less from Novakaine.

8:18 – This is the part of the video everybody was waiting for – FROM NOW ON THESE PLAYERS ONLY MADE ONE SHOT IN THE WHOLE SEASON AND YOU’RE WATCHING IT.

8:23 – For example, you just watched “John Lucas III Full Season Highlights 2016-17”. Is that not the most awesome thing ever?

8:31 – Don’t talk to me about Larry Sanders.

8:36 – I’m STOKED to watch this clip. Lol. Get it?

8:46 – Bringing up the rear of this video will go down as Mike Tobey’s greatest career accomplishment.

I can’t end this video without honoring those players who failed to make a field goal. Danuel House (1 minute), R.J. Hunter (9 minutes), Ben Bentil (10 minutes), Aaron Harrison (17 minutes), Gary Neal (18 minutes), and Patricio Garino (43 minutes!), we salute you.

1 thought on “Every NBA Player’s First Field Goal This Season (2016-17 Season Full-ilation Part IV)”

  1. Josh Richardson recently said he wants to be the best shot blocker at g/f. It would be cool to see a montage of his blocks and defensive plays last season.

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