The Raptors’ center situation can be viewed, not as a clash of basketball players and their respective talents, but as a geopolitically-charged morass that’s waiting to explode at any moment. With Valanciunas represnting Lithuania, Poeltl representing Austria, and Nogueira representing Brazil, you can bet that the embassies of these countries are watching the situation very closely. In this description will attempt to untangle the conflict and provide an unbiased analysis of who should be the Raptors’ center of the future.
Lithuania’s population is a wimpy 2.7 million. Austria’s population is slightly less wimpy at 8.8 million. Brazil takes a big old fart on both those loser countries with a population of 208 million. ADVANTAGE: Nogueira.
Lithuania was, in the fourteenth century, one of the most glorious kingdoms in Europe. Austria was never so prestigious during the middle ages, but they were way better than Brazil, which didn’t even exist until the 1800s. ADVANTAGE: Valanciunas.
In more modern history, Lithuania was subsumed by Russia twice. Austria, meanwhile, never got conquered by Russia, and the Austro-Hungarian empire was a force to be reckoned with. Brazil, meanwhile, won some wars against the overmatched Paraguay and Uruguay but our Euro-centric culture doesn’t really care about South America anyway. ADVANTAGE: Poeltl.
The quality of female rear ends in Lithuania is undetermined. For much of the year is too cold for butts to properly be on display. In Austria there aren’t enough beaches to properly analyse the quality of booty. Brazil, on the other hand, is world-renowned for the quality of its butts. ADVANTAGE: Nogueira.
Austria is definitely a first-world country with an advanced, modern economy. Lithuania might be first-world as well, but even if they are, they aren’t as first-world as Austria is. Brazil is definitely not first-world. They are second-world. ADVANTAGE: Poeltl
Lithuania appears relatively early in the alphabet, starting with the letter “L”, which is the twelfth letter. Brazil starts with letter “B”, which is the second letter in the alphabet, putting them well ahead of Lithuania. But Austria starts with the letter “A”, the very first letter in the alphabet ahead of both “B” and “L”. ADVANTAGE: Poeltl
DTB’S OFFICIAL CONCLUSION: Jakob Poeltl should be the Raptors’ center of the future.