“WHERE IS HE? WHERE IS THAT ASSHOLE?” Kelly Oubre exclaimed as he entered the visitor’s locker room of Capital One Arena. “I’M GONNA PUNCH HIS GOD DAMN FACE IN!”
The group of Cavaliers players, in varying states of undress, exchanged confused looks as Kelly raged around the room, looking behind furniture and around corners for his target. Finally, Jae Crowder spoke up. “Who you talkin’ about, man?”
Kelly pulled his head out from the trash can he was inspecting and stared with blank eyes at Jae. “Klay Thompson,” he intoned, before suddenly sprinting in the bathroom, as if hoping to find the Warriors player there.
“Wrong team bro,” Jae called out after the deranged intruder. “You ain’t gonna find Klay around here.”
There was the loud clanging of a stall door and a yelp of surprise. Then, Cedi Osman’s voice could be heard yelling, “I not him! I not him! I not Klay! Stop punching!”
Jae and the rest of the Cavaliers ran to the bathroom area themselves to find Cedi, his shorts around his ankles, getting dragged out of the stall by Kelly. “I HATE YOU KLAY THOMPSON!” Kelly yelled, throwing wild punches at the Turkish player who had curled up into a ball on the floor to protect himself. “MY FISTS WILL DESTROY YOU!”
Jae reluctantly inserted himself into the fracas and tried to restrain the out of control Kelly. “Man, you got problems,” he said, his calm voice defying the chaos of the situation. “Let’s get you back to the right locker room.” Meanwhile, Kelly struggled mightily, and when one of his arms broke free of Jae’s hold, he immediately resumed swinging it at the player he thought was his nemesis Klay Thompson.
Finally, a number of other Cavaliers players stepped in, each grabbing one of Kelly’s limbs so he could be transported out of harm’s way. As he was escorted out of the locker room, yelling pronouncements of punches in Klay Thompson’s future, Cedi shakily got to his feet and pulled up his shorts.
Kelly had stopped resisting and allowed himself to be carried down the halls of the arena. “I HATE YOU KLAY THOMPSON! I HATE YOU!” he yelled, his deranged eyes darting from one Cavs player to the other as if trying to determine which one was Klay. “YOU HAVEN’T SEEN THE LAST OF KELLY OUBRE!”