“Dear Mr. Ginobili,
My name is DownToBuck and I make NBA highlight videos which get uploaded to the popular video-sharing website YouTube. This introduction is likely to be unnecessary; I know that you, like every other NBA player, are a man consumed by his own vanity, and you cannot resist the allure of watching your own highlight videos.
At the end of your playoff run last season, I uploaded a video entitled “Manu Ginobili 15 Points/7 Assists/1 Final Game? Full Highlights (5/22/2017)”. Note my prediction that you would not play any further games in the NBA after the game in question. I allowed myself a small amount of ambiguity with the question mark, but the description of the video in question described your final encounter with Father Time and his burbling marble fountain of Time-Water. That is how convinced I was of the fact that you would never again play in an officially-sanctioned NBA contest.
It is with regret that I must command you, Mr. Ginobili, to immediately retire from the game of basketball. I cannot stand by silently while you disprove the predictions of my YouTube channel. The integrity of my highlights operation is worth much more than whatever feeble contributions you might be able to make to the Spurs organization.
I can already hear the protests issuing forth from your mouth, but I am afraid you have no choice in this matter. If you do not retire within the next week and hold a press conference announcing said retirement, I will unfortunately be forced to bring about your retirement through…other means. Please do not let it come to this.