The Heat are off to a sort-of-disappointing 7-8 start despite keeping intact the core that won them so many games in the second half of the season last year. There’s gotta be somebody to blame for this seeming regression. As a neutral third-party observer I feel like I am the perfect person to apportion that blame.
-James Johnson: definitely not the problem. He’s like prime Paul Millsap out there minus a little bit of the scoring. His neck tattoos make it look like his beard is melting but that’s not the problem down in South Beach. Official blame percentage: 0%.
-Hassan Whiteside: also not the problem, unless you consider his five-game absence to be his fault. He’s picked up his scoring and rebounding from last season. Official blame percentage: 10%.
-Goran Dragic: too tired from dominating that Euro competition they had over the summer? Probably. Official blame percentage: 10%.
-Dion Waiters: Three-point shooting has regressed and if you take out the one game where he scored 33, he’s shooting below 40% from the field. I’m allowed to take out that game to illustrate my point. The Heat’s poor record could totally be his fault. Official blame percentage: 30%.
-Kelly Olynyk: Ruining team chemistry by being a stretch five, and by having the look of a surfer without the actual surfing part. And by constantly talking about his prog rock band where he played keyboards and was known as “Moog Man”. Official blame percentage: 30%.
-Chris Bosh’s clots: These clots forced Bosh into an early medical retirement. He would only be 33 right now, young enough to make significant contributions to the team. Official blame percentage: 20%.
The math checks out. James Johnson is not to blame for Heat’s mediocre record to start the season.