Sacramento was tonight the location of a momentous battle between the Kings’ present, Zach Randolph, and the Kings’ past, DeMarcus Cousins. The Kings’ future, Skal Labissiere, was not present because he was banished to the D-League for sleeping with Dave Joerger’s wife.
So who came out on top in this battle of Kings legends? Was it Cousins? Was it Randolph? Was it some unknown third party? In the following paragraphs, I will attempt to determine, using only facts combined with the precepts of logical thinking, who the superior player was tonight.
Cousins pectoral muscles are fairly well defined, and any minor moobage he has is well contained by his jersey. Randolph’s moobs, on the other hand, are perky and well-defined. His headlights are often in the “on” position, as the kids say. Advantage: Randolph.
TEAM VICTORY STATUS:
Cousin’s team lost, and Randolph’s team won. That’s all there is to it. Advantage: Randolph
AFFECT ON TEAM MORALE:
Randolph is a veteran’s veteran, a player who has seen enough of the league that he can offer sage advice on any topic. He is willing to play limited minutes if the coach decides that the young ones need to play more, without complaint. Cousins, well, we know all about the locker-room cancer he spreads with his pouting, lack of effort, and temper tantrums. Advantage: Randolph
SUSCEPTIBILITY TO BEING THREATENED BY TEAMMATES:
Cousins is not at all susceptible to being threatened by fellow team members. In fact, he is usually the one doing the threatening. Case in point: the time he made Nik Stauskas cry. Randolph, while he was on the Jail-Blazers, broke Ruben Patterson’s eye socket with a punch and was so scared that Patterson would exact revenge by shooting him that he hid in a teammate’s house for several days. Advantage: Cousins
Randolph had 35 points tonight, which is a lot. Cousins had 38 points tonight, which is also a lot. Both point totals are “a lot”, and I can’t figure out any other way to differentiate them. Advantage: Nobody
Everyone agrees that nacho cheese is really great, but Cousins is the only one of the two who, to the best of my knowledge, took a shower in the stuff. Advantage: DownToBuck is munching on a big plate of primo nachos right now.
DTB’S INCONTROVERTIBLE CONCLUSION OF ULTIMATE FACT:
Zach Randolph is BETTER than DeMarcus Cousins, now and forever.