I hear the rapping of knuckles on my door. Not expecting visitors and fairly certain that I hadn’t ordered any pizza deliveries lately, I walk to the door and open it in confusion. Outside it there is nobody waiting for me, and my confusion is heightened until I look down and see an envelop waiting for me on the mat. I pick it up and take it back inside, hoping that it’s not a letter full of anthrax spores sent to me by a rival highlight maker. I have no doubt that somebody like Piotr Zarychta would easily be able to acquire anthrax if he so desired.
The letter is powder-free when I slit it open. I unfold the enclosed correspondence and begin to read:
“Dear Mr. DownToBuck,
As the president of ESPN, I personally would like to tell you that we have taken notice of your NBA-focused YouTube channel. Just between you and me, I am appalled and disgusted by my own company’s inability to compete with individuals like yourself on the front of NBA highlight videos. Imagine, with access to our limitless talent and resources, we can barely slap together video content that is of acceptable quality. I think about this state of affairs every day and, honestly, having to confront my own failures so baldly has taken a toll on my state of mind. Maybe that’s why I’m writing this letter, as a form of therapy. Anyway.
You will notice when making your inevitable highlight video for a certain Joffrey Lauvergne that there is no shot of his face anywhere to be found in the broadcast. This is intentional. I know that your keen eye for selecting video “thumbnails”, as the terminology goes, is admired and respected among your fanbase. When they see that you have failed to provide a thumnbail that even shows the player in question, their respect for you will erode, maybe imperceptibly, but erode it will.
This is the first step on the long walk towards your demise. You can expect us to continue to make your life a living hell through increasingly blatant actions of sabotage. That’s my promise to you as president of ESPN.
Merry Christmas, you miserable piece of human garbage.
President, ESPN Corp.”
I smirk and toss the letter listlessly into my fireplace. Yes, it is true that Joffrey is not present in my thumbnail image, but Mr. Skipper does not understand that highlights are forever.