Lonzo Ball waited behind a dumpster next to the player’s parking lot at Oracle Arena. It smelled like a year’s worth of expired nacho cheese had just been thrown away, but the smell was the farthest thing from Lonzo’s mind. He had an important mission to carry out.
One by one, Warriors players parked their cars and walked by Lonzo’s hiding spot. None noticed him; if they had looked, they would have seen a human-sized shadow lurking in the darkness, but all of them were too occupied with their phones to be aware of their surroundings. When the time came, Lonzo hoped his target would be just as unaware, but he was growing more and more anxious with each player that passed. Soon he would have to abandon his mission just to make sure he wasn’t late for the game.
Just as he was giving up hope, another car pulled into a nearby spot, and Stephen Curry got out. Lonzo’s breath caught in his chest; now was his chance! As Stephen slowly ambled towards the player’s entrance, his eyes singularly focused on the glowing screen of his phone, Lonzo discarded his secrecy and darted out to meet the opposing point guard.
“Now your powers will be mine!” Lonzo yelled gleefully as he tackled Stephen to the smooth cement floor.
To Curry’s credit, he was quick to determine who the attacker was. “Dude, get off me!”
“Curry’s powers, Curry’s powers, Curry’s powers” Lonzo gibbered maniacally as he ran his hands up and down Stephen’s body, focusing on the exposed skin of his face. “Now I’ll be the one who can shoot threes and you’ll be nothing but a withered husk of your former self!”
Stephen kicked his legs and flailed his arms to extricate himself from underneath Lonzo. “What powers? Stop molesting me!” He kicked even harder when he felt Lonzo’s hands go underneath his shirt and down the waistband of his pants.
Lonzo had expected to feel some kind of sensation in his body as he absorbed Stephen’s powers, but was convinced of the success of the operation even without feeling anything different. He withdrew his hands and stood up. “Have a nice career, bro. I just stole all your powers.”
Stephen stood up as well and straightened his outfit, shaking his head. “I don’t think you did, but enjoy your suspension anyway.” As soon as he was presentable again, he walked down the hallway, leaving the Lakers rookie by himself.
Lonzo looked at his hands with awe and admiration. “No, Mr. Curry, I’m pretty sure I did.”