Every time I make a C.J. Miles video, I’m forced to think about the Instagram model who shares his name (but definitely doesn’t share his gender), and then I’m forced to think about how my attempt to make a career as an Instagram model has been nothing but a total failure.
The previous step I took was to buy an inflatable kiddie pool and about two pallets’ worth of Hershey’s chocolate syrup. My intent was to livestream myself in a thong bikini rolling around in a pool filled with chocolate syrup and make hundreds, if not thousands, of dollars from donations to my Stream. I knew this would work because I see people doing it on the internet all the time. Not the specific act of being covered in chocolate while almost fully nude, but the act of being sexy on a stream to get thirsty dudes to give you money.
I was actually hoping it would be thirsty ladies who were giving me money, but it ended up not working that way.
So I got the pool all set up on one of the lawns of my apartment complex. I purposely chose a spot that was sort of out of the way and set back from the road so if people didn’t want to watch me from their windows, they wouldn’t have to. But I also had to pick a spot with no shade so the shadows wouldn’t mess up my lighting. I was in my bikini and had spent two hours squeezing out chocolate syrup from the bottles, and I was just about to hit the “start streaming” button when the police came.
You’re not going to believe it, but they told my I was being a public nuisance! I told them the real public nuisance was when power-hungry cops overstep their bounds and turn our democracy into a dictatorship. Then I told them it was my right to dress how I wanted and it’s not my fault that they don’t make bikinis that have a place to put your manly stuff.
They said that if I put away the pool and put on some real clothes that they wouldn’t arrest me. I wanted to argue back and maybe make an example out of myself by refusing, but then I started crying. Right there in front of the cops. I can’t help it, I’m sensitive and things make me cry easily. It’s a good thing I hadn’t started the stream or my whole audience would have been witness to my embarrassment.
So that’s how my foray into sexy livestreaming went. Now the police think I’m some sort of depraved pervert and I’ve got all this chocolate syrup I don’t know what to do with. I’ve been using it as a condiment for everything I eat but it doesn’t really work on a lot of things, even though it’s made out of chocolate.
God damn it. Who knew being a sexy model on the internet was so difficult?