Jonas Valanciunas 21 Points Full Highlights (5/1/2018)

“Dear Diary,

I hate Jonas Valanciunas so god damn much. So vehement is my hate for him that, this year, I limited him to 22 minutes per game, the lowest of his undistinguished and pathetic career. If it were up to me, I would trade him back to Lithuania so that I never have to see him or his stupid beard ever again. I don’t know where Lithuania is but I bet it sucks there. So Jonas and Lithuania would be a perfect match since they both suck.

Now it turns out that, the one time I decide to leave that piece of trash in the game in the fourth quarter, he somehow misses about twenty easy shots at the rim, any of which would have given us enough cushion to win in regulation. You can’t win with this guy. If you don’t play him, all the nerd fans with their stats and their computers throw a bitchfit about his win-shares and his effective field goal percentage, but if you do play him, he loses you games.

I hate Jonas Valanciunas.

I told Tristan Thompson that he should try to undercut Jonas on his layups so that Jonas would get injured and I wouldn’t have to play him anymore, and I even paid that cheating son of a bitch a couple thousand to make it happen, but that plan didn’t work either. I so dearly wish that Jonas was somebody else’s problem.

The only good thing that comes out of this is that all of Canada hates Jonas right now. Them and me both.

Thanks for listening, diary.

-Dwane”

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