Kyle Korver 18 Points Full Highlights (5/5/2018)

You’re not going to believe this.

So your pal DTB signed himself up for a Tinder account because he was feeling the lack of female companionship in his life and wanted to see what was out there. There’s nothing wrong with that. The cool thing about Tinder is there are no commitments, you can match with as many people as you want and then ghost the heck out of them to make your ego feel better. I’m not sure what my endgame was, but it doesn’t matter anyway, because nothing worked like it was supposed to.

I picked the absolute best picture of myself to show to the world. I looked good in that picture. Damn good. The lighting made me look all shadowy and mysterious. Now, obviously I’m not a male model or anything, but I was sure this pic was going to get me matches with females in the hotness range of 1/10 to 7.5/10 easy. I have first-hand knowledge of ugly friends with ugly pics getting matches with all kinds of girls.

But then when I logged on to the Tinder and started swiping, I wasn’t matching with anybody. Like, literally zero matches. I thought Tinder might have shadow-banned me or something, but then I did match with an obvious catfishing account, so that wasn’t it. It was just, for some reason, no girl liked the looks of me at all. A lot of dudes would have given up right then, but I wanted to know what was going on, so I made a new account as a chick this time to see if they were maybe seeing something different on their end that would cause them to reject me.

To be clear, I wasn’t trying to catfish dudes with this account, but if Paul George had showed up on my screen, I totally would have tried to extort money and compromising pics of his “beef rod” from him. But back to the story.

So I’m logged on as a chick, and the first dude, the VERY FIRST dude I see…you’re never going to guess who it was. Actually, you will guess, because this is exactly how my life has been cursed for the past five years.

It was Kyle Korver.

Now, I wasn’t born in a barn. I know how things go. This was obviously a fake account set up by some ugly dude who just wanted more matches, and he picked the most attractive guy who he could think of, which was Kyle Korver. But that explains why I wasn’t getting any matches as myself. Because, after seeing the awe-inspiring handsomeness, chiseled beauty, and impeccably-styled hair of Kyle Korver, no female would want anything else. They just swiped left on me and every other dude on the app.

So now I chatted with “Kyle” and set up a date with him for later today. I’m going to bring my brass knuckles and my baseball bat. Nobody messes with me when I’m trying to ease my suffocating loneliness by making contact with possible female friend candidates. Nobody.

Wish me luck everybody. DTB out.

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