If you’re sitting there feeling all happy and contented after watching T.J. McConnell get a new career high with nineteen points, you pretty much have me and me only to thank for it. I will now provide, in its entirety, the letter which I penned and sent to Sixers coach Brett Brown after their game three loss:
“Dear Mr. Brown, or as I’ve taken to calling you, “Butt Clown”,
Please stop marginalizing T.J. McConnell. I know it gives you some kind of sick pleasure to marginalize him as hard as you are, but it’s not fair to him, it’s not fair to the team, and it’s not fair to the fans. For indiscernible, yet undoubtedly selfish reasons, you give T.J. almost no court time despite his proven chemistry with his teammates.
T.J. produces when given minutes. For some reason, that fact means nothing to you. Maybe you’d rather touch yourself at night thinking about the untapped potential of Markelle Fultz. Maybe, when you’re in sexual congress with your wife, you’re really thinking about the concept of Ben Simmons being a full-time point forward to keep your little pecker hard. Hell, maybe you’re jealous of T.J.’s undeniable good looks, and you’re afraid that you will be cucked by him. I bet you’d like that, wouldn’t you, Butt Clown? You make me sick.
If T.J. doesn’t get at least thirty minutes in game four…well, let’s just say that you might be receiving unwanted pizza and buffalo wing deliveries ten times a day for the rest of your life. No matter how many times you change addresses. Work, home, on the road, it won’t matter. You’ll be the unwitting recipient of unreasonable amounts of delivered food at all hours of the day. Your life will be a real life hell. I personally guarantee it. You deserve no less after mercilessly marginalizing T.J. for so long.
P.S. I hope you like blue cheese dipping sauce because soon your fridge will be overflowing with little cups of it”