Andre Iguodala 11 Points/2 Blocks/1 Championship Full Highlights (6/8/2018)

DTB’s summer of 2017 was pretty good all things considered. Sure, I had my first series of copyright run-ins and I failed in my resolution to go to the beach more than zero times (nobody wants to see my hairy chicken legs and pasty noodle arms), but it was also the summer where I officially re-entered the girl game and got a real girlfriend. Her name was Stephanie.

Then summer ended and I had to ditch Stephanie because I do not have time in my life for both a GF and NBA highlight videos. So that sucked. It was kind of nice having a girlfriend but the breakup was a necessary step.

You guys will be proud of me. I didn’t stalk Stephanie on her social media profiles even one time. She was really cute so it would be honestly stupid as hell to willingly go on the internet and look for pictures of her and her cute bangs. It helped that I don’t even know what Instagram is. So I had no idea what she was doing with her life after I kicked her out of my apartment and she was probably homeless. Maybe she moved back in with her loser roommate. Hopefully she didn’t turn into a hobo.

I could have gone back to the pet store where she worked but I didn’t because I’m not a creep. Even though that store has the cutest kitties and I used to go every other week to adore them. I mean, I’m the one who dumped her, so if anything she should be trying to stalk me. The funny thing is, I barely leave the house, so she would have a real hard time finding me anywhere but here.

Just so you know, it’s not that I’m socially anxious or anything, I just like being in my apartment more than anything else. I function perfectly fine around other people and I could totally not be a hermit if I wanted to.

So that all brings us to the present time. The NBA season has drawn to a close. I overcame unexpected account deletion to continue bringing high-quality (alright, medium-quality) NBA scrublights to the masses. And now it’s summer again and I theoretically could get another girlfriend because apparently I’m charming and attractive enough to just get girlfriends whenever I feel like it. Also, I can definitely upload -ilations during the off-season and have a GF at the same time. If she asks me what I’m doing on the computer while I’m working on -ilations I can just tell her that I’m playing X-Box. Girls don’t know the difference.

But the thing is, I don’t really know if I want another GF. I wasn’t heartbroken or anything after Adam Silver basically made me break up with Stephanie, but it wasn’t much fun. If I got another GF I’d have to go through all that again and I don’t know if it’s worth it.

Now here’s where the real story begins. I went out to the grocery store today, one of my few ventures into the outside world, in order to restock my supplies of microwaveable “easy foods” that require little to no culinary skill. So I walked right on by the fresh produce section (if I was trapped on a desert island with only unpeeled oranges to eat, I would starve to death, because I don’t know how to peel an orange) and right to the freezer aisles where they keep all the edible stuff. And you won’t believe who I saw there.


I quick ducked back out of the aisle and behind a display of cheesey-flavor potato chips so I could regroup. The first thing I did was peek my head out and make sure it was her. It was totally her. She looked exactly the same. There was no way I was going to go try to talk to her, and to be honest I didn’t think it was an option to even walk in her vicinity because then she might try to talk to me and I would have to pretend like I didn’t know who she was. So I planned to wait it out until she left the area around the Hot Pockets so I could go in and get some.

Then I noticed that Stephanie wasn’t even moving. She was just holding a box of Hot Pockets in her hands (I couldn’t tell what flavor they were) and her shoulders were shaking. That’s when I realized she was crying. She was crying while looking at a box of Hot Pockets. And, underneath the annoying pop music playing on the speakers, I could hear her whispering my name. Not my internet name either. My real life name.

Usually I don’t feel much in the way of emotions but I’m pretty sure I felt some emotions right at that moment. It was also a wake-up call that women might have emotions too. Maybe all humans have them. This is a new and scary concept for me.

It would make for a cool story if I approached her then and swept her into my arms and kissed her and we were boyfriend and girlfriend again, but that’s not what happened.

How the story actually ended is I basically had to check out with the stuff I had and forget about the Hot Pockets because I could tell she wasn’t gonna move any time soon and I still wasn’t sure about my desire-for-a-GF status. When I got outside the store it was raining, just like it was the day I dumped her, but that was a good thing because then I couldn’t tell if I was crying or not.

I’m only a little bit lonely right now. DTB out.

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