[Ed. Note: This video is getting reuploaded because it got deleted, and the below description only makes sense in that context]
My entire life was upended when I found out that I, for unknown reasons, couldn’t upload NBA highlight videos longer than ten minutes without them getting slapped worth a worldwide block and disappearing from the You Tubes. I found out about this maybe five years ago and since then, I have endured significant inconvenience in partitioning my extra-long compilations into chunks small enough to avoid that dismal fate. Sure, spreading the highlights across multiple videos gives me more space for expansive description stories, but it also increases my workload for no good reason.
This onerous requirement has also led to me surreptitiously dropping dunks from dunkilations that are bumping up against the limit. That’s right, your precious DeAndre Jordan dunkilation video winds up two dunks short of the advertised dunk total, if you bother to count. This is like when you found out Santa wasn’t real, except this is way worse because in the back of your mind you know that you only believed in Santa because you thought your parents wanted you to, while DownToBuck has never given you reason to doubt the veracity of his dunk-total claims.
Anyway, I’m pretty sure the NBA undertook this weird form of censorship to prevent full NBA games from being uploaded to the Tubes. But ten minutes (actually, nine minutes and forty-five seconds for some reason) isn’t long enough to even show a whole quarter, much less a whole game. The whole thing confuses me.
Even more confusing, I’m seeing rival highlight makers upload extra-long clips with seemingly no penalty. Who did they pay to earn this privilege? How much did they pay? Did they pay with sexual favors, cryptocurrency, or a combination thereof? How many CPU cycles do I have to waste mining Ethereum, and what private body parts do I have to offer up for the enjoyment of shadowy puppet-masters, before I can joint this elite club of lawless, free-wheeling highlights compilers?
Or, have the rules changed sometime in the past two years and I’ve been too timid to push the limits of acceptable video length?
Well, now I’ve lived through the deletion of my original channel so I don’t give a frick about the rules, and that’s why I’m uploading this Wayne “Beef W” Ellington three-ilation in its original, unedited, fifteen-minute form. If it gets removed, I’ll just upload it again in two parts and part two will have a story where Wayne Ellington steals all my girlfriends because he’s the black Kyle Korver and Kyle Korver always steals my girlfriends. So if you really want to read that story, you’d better hope that the ten-minute maximum is still in place. Here’s an excerpt to tantalize you:
“That guy comes off screens really well,” Devin said appreciatively as she looked over the top of my head to the TV that was on the wall. I turned around to see a Heat game playing on the TV, and while it annoyed me that my date was paying more attention to an NBA game than me, I was glad that it wasn’t the Cavs who were being televised, because, as experience has taught me, even a single glimpse of Kyle Korver’s handsome face is enough to make any woman abandon me instantly.
“I can’t read his name though,” Devin continued, squinting. “Who is that?”
“Probably Wayne Ellington,” I answered shortly. “He’s a total beast. I would know, I’m kind of a big deal in the NBA highlight video business.” I hoped that, by flaunting my elite status, I would get Devin thinking about me again and not the game.
The other thing I thought about doing for this video was adding a “kaboom” counter for every time Eric Reid says “kaboom” in response to an Ellington three-pointer. Then I would have a secondary “oh man” counter for every time Tony Fiorentino says “oh man” after Eric says “kaboom”. However, the accuracy of the “oh man” counter would be in question because some “oh man”s were cut off by the pacing of the video. Also, one would have to determine whether Fiorentino’s utterances of “oh boy” would count towards the “oh man” counter. Overall, I felt I wasn’t ready for that level of responsibility.
So, yeah. Let’s see if this video gets deleted. If it does, I’ll re-upload it. If it doesn’t, I don’t know what I’ll do, because I’m so used to uploading things in two or more parts. Stuff like the upcoming Stephen Curry three-ilation pretty much HAS to be uploaded in parts so that I can properly continue the Saga of the Three-Point Shooting Amulet.
Bring it NBA. I’m ready. But also, if you’re reading this, please don’t delete.