Wayne Ellington All 227 Three-Pointers Full Highlights (2017-18 Season Three-ilation Part II)

So one thing I found out recently is that you can go out with girls on dates but not be looking for long-term companionship while doing it. That was pretty much a revelation for me because, in the past, when I pursued girls, it was always with the intent to make them my GF. This led to a lot of pressure on my end and it caused me more grief than was necessary, which is what led to my numerous failed relationships and countless proclamations of “being done with women forever.”

This is also cool because it means I can have female companionship while still keeping my priorities prioritized. I can both manage my (extremely prestigious) NBA highlight brand AND date women AND use a botnet of hacked internet-enabled blenders to mine cryptocurrency without having to sacrifice anything.

Yeah, that’s right. I worked with some Estonian dude to hack a bunch of blenders and now I’m rolling around in Bitcoin. Except Bitcoin isn’t real so I can’t roll around in it. But I do roll around in a big pile of pillows I made while thinking about how I’m a Bitcoin millionaire. I’m like that cartoon duck dude who has the swimming pool/bank vault full of gold coins, except my coins are the currency of the future and not same lame fiat garbage.

Anyway, I went out with some women who were nice but the dates didn’t really go anywhere, which is sort of what I wanted anyway. It’s fun to take them to Starbucks for iced coffees and get them into me and then ghost the crap out of them afterwards. It’s okay to ghost them because NBA players ghost me all the time by ignoring my tweets, so I’m just paying it forward.

However, there was one chick who I did the Starbucks thing with but she was so cute that I didn’t even ghost her. Her name is Devin by the way. Instead of ghosting her I took her out another date, but I didn’t make it too fancy, we just went to Applebee’s since they have really good chicken fingers and it’s fancier than sitting in my car drinking banned Four Lokos I bought off eBay. While we were waiting for our food, I was pretending to text my mom “I love you” with the phone screen in view of Devin so she would think I was sensitive and caring (really I was just texting my burner phone), but she wasn’t paying that much attention to my displays of compassion and I couldn’t figure out why.

“That guy comes off screens really well,” Devin said appreciatively as she looked over the top of my head to the TV that was on the wall. I turned around to see a Heat game playing on the TV, and while it annoyed me that my date was paying more attention to an NBA game than me, I was glad that it wasn’t the Cavs who were being televised, because, as experience has taught me, even a single glimpse of Kyle Korver’s handsome face is enough to make any woman abandon me instantly.

“I can’t read his name though,” Devin continued, squinting. “Who is that?”

“Probably Wayne Ellington,” I answered shortly. “He’s a total beast. I would know, I’m kind of a big deal in the NBA highlight video business.” I hoped that, by flaunting my elite status, I would get Devin thinking about me again and not the game.

Devin listened to me talk about my self-described “highlight video conglomerate” but she still wasn’t paying as much attention as I wanted, even when I told her about how I have an official Serbian fan club. She was watching Wayne Ellington and his off-ball movement and his stupid bugged-out eyes that are practically falling out of his face. I bet she was thinking about his other kind of “ball” movement. Damn it.

“He’s kind of like the black Kyle Korver,” Devin said, and that, my friends, is when I knew I was sunk.

“Yeah he kind of is, but who cares about that, I shoot 50% on threes in an open gym so it’s not even a big deal,” I replied, again trying to steer the conversation back to me so she would forget about Black Kyle Korver and his surprising physical attractiveness. I couldn’t even be happy that I had a date who knew something about NBA basketball.

I should mention that the date was going well enough up until this point that I thought I had a serious chance of getting Devin to come back to my place if I so desired. But now Wayne Ellington was going to ruin all of that. I wanted to punch whatever waitress had decided it was a good idea to show NBA games to the assorted dregs of society who frequent Applebee’s.

The rest of the date I tried to tell funny anecdotes to keep Devin engaged but she just wasn’t having it. Even when Ellington was on the bench her eyes would be glued to the TV in case they showed him clapping or drinking Gatorade or wearing a towel hat or breathing. And her eyes had a really sultry look to them. She was making sexy eyes at Wayne Ellington.

When I paid my part of the bill and got up to leave, Devin barely even cared. I said “I’ll text you” and she just said “mm-hmm” without really hearing me. So now I just know she’s gonna ghost me because of her new man-crush Wayne Ellington AKA Black Kyle Korver. God damn it.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *