Or: “A Dreadful Hodgepodge of Mediocre Role-Players”
Part two of my series chronicling every NBA player’s first basket is a slightly dispiriting affair: it starts with role-players who already kinda suck, and it doesn’t really get better. Not much worse, either. You knew this was coming after E’Twaun Moore appeared in the first half of the first video, but it really drives home the point that the NBA is chock-full of middling talent. Absolutely bursting at the seams with it. Basically, the players in this video are the reason my channel exists.
0:00 Holiday is only here because the Bulls let him chuck for the first month of the season. If he was in part one I would’ve had to scrap the whole project.
0:08 Some of these shots are more emblematic of the player than others. Henson’s lefty hook status: EMBLEMATIC TO THE MAXIMATIC
0:17 This is an example of a shot which is not emblematic of the player. Maybe the bright spot on the court dazzled his eyes and he couldn’t figure out where the three-point line was.
0:30 Remember when people claimed that MKG had fixed his jumper? L-M-A-O. This clip gives us a perfect angle to see how his right elbow is six inches to the left of his left elbow when he shoots.
0:41 Teague with the least-effective shot challenge ever, but at least he tried.
0:50 Uh, excuse me, but the text in the corner clearly indicates that it’s pronounced “Dan-Jello”. I wish my font had apostrophes.
1:18 Disappointed that Chris Marlowe said “That’s good” in a normal voice rather than his usual sultry/husky “That’s goooood.”
1:25 I had forgotten until this very moment the crazy contract the Suns gave Ariza. Utterly mystifying.
1:39 I apologize for including goaltends. I like to think that all of the players whose buckets happened that way are literally unable to score without a defender’s blunder.
2:10 Bruno makes a cameo!
2:40 The whole season would’ve been way funner if I knew ahead of time what J.R. Smith was going to do in the finals. If you haven’t watched the finals yet for some reason: hold on to your butts.
2:50 How do I make angry emojies (x26) with my keyboard?
3:15 Finish this sentence: Just seen two guys on a one seat bike ______ ___
3:25 Thunder point guards just can’t stop abusing Baker.
3:36 If this was a just world, this Shabazz would appear later than the other Shabazz. But this is not a just world. See: my whole GOD DAMN channel getting deleted.
3:50 The beginning of the “KKKK” part of the video.
4:20 David West shamelessly ringchased but it doesn’t matter because no one is going to remember him anyway. Admit it. You forgot he was in the league last year. Or any year.
4:39 Stanley Johnson went 0-13 his first game, which is why the non-Blaha commentator sounds like he’s smelling a really nasty fart.
4:47 Bryn Forbes is in the first half of part two. What madness awaits us?
5:10 Why do broadcasts use these horrible angles? I can’t tell where the ball is or even which team has possession. Which teams are even playing? What sport am I watching?
5:16 Mudiay is a being made out of pure compacted booty flakes but no one told his coaches that.
5:20 For Lonzo’s shooting form to count as “fixed”, it has to get to the point where calling it a “flick” is incorrect.
5:42 I’ve always said that Satoransky and Wall were equivalent players in terms of their ability to win games for the Wizards, and look! They’re in the same part of the video. DTB OFFICIAL VINDICATION STATUS: vindicated.
5:46 Delon Wright is too skinny to flex like that. This isn’t gatekeeping because I, too, am too skinny to flex except in the privacy of my own home.
6:13 After this shot, Bender reverted to his career norm of having lots of hesitation.
6:34 Two of the most do-nothing players, Tony Snell and Justin Jackson, somehow lumped together in part two even though they never do anything. Next year I’m sorting the list by FGs made per game so that these meatballs go back where they belong in part seven.
6:39 Saying “nice move” implies there was a move to begin with, which there was not.
7:23 “Gimme that shit” is not what you want to say when blatantly goaltending a shot. Sorry for swearing. It was a quote. I was quoting him.
7:48 How messed up and awkward did the commentary get before Marv Albert just had to admit “I have no idea what you’re talking about”? I’m guessing very, but not very very because Marv totally has the ‘zheimers. Equally messed up and awkward: Mbah a Moute every time he tries to drive to the basket.
8:07 Nice to see Taylor here after he made 1 shot all of last season.
8:12 Not nice to see Waiters here because it’s never nice to see that fat cocky chucker do anything ever.
8:34 I would have the same reaction if I let McLemore make a shot.
8:58 Who does Wesley Johnson think he is? Just running up and taking a midrange jumper?
9:24 Last year I said it was sad to see Joe Johnson in part two. Now I am more surprised than anything.