Every NBA Player’s First Field Goal This Season (2017-18 Season Full-ilation Part III)

Or: “Scrubbiness Intensifies”

I don’t mean to imply that the players depicted in part three of this four-part epic journey through the catacombs of the NBA are “scrubs”. A few of them are, but what I meant was that the players in this part are definitely on a lower tier than the players in part two. They’re still good enough that I made a highlight video for most of them at some point last year, but no more than a handful. Except for meme players like Boban Marjanovic. We are now at the point where maybe you haven’t heard of some of these guys, even if you’re a DTB devotee.

0:00 Don’t ask me why the commentary is in Spanish. I don’t know.

0:07 I know a guy who knows a guy who won a ton of money on DraftKings or Fanduel, like six figures, because of Ian Mahinmi. Not fair. I don’t think Mahinmi has made me even a single cent.

0:34 Acy tried to turn himself into Luke Babbitt this year. I’ll let you be the judge as to if that worked out or nah.

0:47 I’m not even going to look up how much money this dude is making this year. Watching this video is supposed to be a happy experience, not a sad one.

0:51 I paused the video here because it sounded like thunder in the background. Surprise, it’s just the sound of fans not showing up to the Pistons’ new arena. That didn’t make sense but it was a total burn anyway.

0:56 Is Tommy Heinsohn making a threat here?

1:01 This guy was so much of a selfish bad-attitude chucker that even the Suns didn’t want him.

1:36 Was Abrines just referred to as a “top scorer”? Hint, he wouldn’t be in part three if he was a “top scorer”.

1:47 Looney would look so bad on any team other than the Warriors. That’s saying something, because he already looks really bad. This was a nice move though, even if he could barely get the ball over the rim.

2:01 Wallace shoots it here like he’s never taken a jumper before in his life. Ball right in front of the face, pushed up with both hands? I guess that’s why they said “not a shooter”.

2:23 How bad do you have to travel where even the home commentators call you out? Or, how bad do you have to be before everything you do is met with derision from the home commentators?

3:05 That was not Kuzma.

3:10 Peep the score of this game. I think this is when LeBron decided he was going to LA.

3:36 People keeping telling me that “Jawun” is pronounced “Juwan”. No. The reason Ralph Lawler didn’t say his name here is because he was boycotting the name.

4:16 Don’t tase me bro! Don’t tase me! AAAAAHHHHHH! Police brutality isn’t funny but I don’t care.

4:21 The more I think about it the more I think that there’s no reason “Bikes” can’t be spelled “Buycks”. Sample usage: that gang of middle-schoolers on their buycks made fun of my vintage Britney Spears tour T-Shirt.

4:33 Rare first-quarter Zipser action. His nickname later in the season was “The Sitzer” because all he did was sit on the bench.

4:45 O’Quinn’s just like “nope”.

4:52 I got to show an MCW missed shot in this video. His “highlight” was actually a “lowlight”. I will cherish this moment forever.

5:08 The only error I made when typing out the names was putting “Michael” instead of “Malik”. This lead to a brief thought while rewatching this of “If this guy is named Michael, then what’s that other Beasley’s name?”. Yeah.

5:12 He’s Bacon it Rain.

5:32 Most impressive bucket of the whole series, right here. As of this writing, the Bucks have Tim Frazier, but I am somehow not excited at all, probably because I know he’ll get waived. God damn it.

5:38 In what universe is this a “runner”? How did this commentator come into possession of the technology necessary to visit that universe?

5:45 The fact that the least skilled offensive player in the league is in part three doesn’t bode well for part four.

5:49 Remember when Arron Afflalo returned to Orlando to resurrect his career? LOL

6:19 Did the Thunder commentators just leave the game early? Oh, nope, there they are.

6:58 At halftime, Noel ate snacks in the media room. So jealous right now.

7:05 Check out that missed dunk by Collins. He missed that dunk so hard that the physics of the game glitched out.

7:27 At least Kawhi made it ahead of Mozgov.

7:31 Mar$wag would have come in 15th if he had played the whole season.

7:35 Let’s not get ahead of ourselves, Mr. Commentator Man.

8:22 The first overall pick narrowly avoids part 4. Anthony Bennett nods in solemn comradeship while eating cheeseburgers.

8:37 That looked like a knee injury and not an intentional part of the move.

8:50 I could have done without the reminder that Liggins ever played for the Bucks.

9:23 The Purvert with the ultimate display of Purversion, the long two-pointer.

9:32 If only Jamil and Jamel had been next to each other. Actually, there’s no joke there, just a coincidence, so maybe it’s better that they weren’t next to each other.

9:39 You did it, Malachi. You weren’t in part 4. Pat yourself on the back and then tell the Raptors to please not waive you.

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