Or: “From the Abyss of Scrubs there is No Escape”
The part you’ve been waiting for. The part I’ve been waiting for. The end of the journey. Part 4. This part features the absolute lowest bottom-dwellers of the NBA, the ones for whom each made shot is a discrete event in their memory. These are the players that the casual NBA fan has no idea even exist. I barely know they exist. For the most part, they didn’t receive highlight videos. Even DownToBuck, heralder of the unheralded, could not bother to herald these scrubnuggets. Until now. Scrubs of part 4, consider your NBA careers OFFICIALLY HERALDED.
(note: this is the part that should get posted to reddit)
0:00 Juan Hernangomez made 29 shots in the 2017-18 season. Every player in this video made as many or fewer. Anticipation of this video should quicken your pulse. I know it quickens mine.
0:08 I feel fairly confident in saying that Alec Peter’s 36 points in the season finale is the largest single point total scored by any Part 4 player this season.
0:25 Enjoy retirement, Mr. Lung Clots. You deserve it. I think.
0:33 The first player where I’m like “who?” Casual fans reached that point near the end of Part 2. You can tell I hold casuals in very low esteem.
0:40 Rashad Vaughn being this low in the series just makes me so mad. I still haven’t found out how to make angry emoji faces using my keyboard.
1:02 I sort of wish this clip continued so Stacey King could follow through with his threat about what he’ll do to us if we don’t know who Kay Felder is.
1:17 Probably the last appearance for Ron Baker the Babymaker. Maybe not. What I’m saying is, you can never fall asleep on Ron Baker.
1:27 He never misses? Are we sure about that?
1:31 Even the commentators for his own team don’t know which Harrison they ended up with.
1:49 Yep, it’s just easier to call him Ryan.
1:57 “John Hollins”
2:13 Mini-Bud showing Coach Bud that he deserves at least one minute a game. Also, for a shot to count as having been “drilled”, it can’t touch rim.
2:34 Jake Layman is the 2017-18 recipient of the “Ben McLemore Trophy”, which goes to the player with the prettiest-looking shot that never, ever goes in.
2:43 “Poindexter”. Also, “Out of the League”.
2:51 Note Skal Labissiere on the bench patronizing his unmelanated teammate.
3:00 Malcolm Miller started four games for the best team in the East. That’s the second-best single accomplishment any of these players had for the entire season (behind Peters’ 36-point game).
3:05 So old that he played FOUR seasons for the Sonics.
3:34 I think this is the ugliest shot in the whole series. Hill should have immediately walked over to the scorer’s table and had that make stricken from the record.
3:44 Living up to the “Poythrees” nickname that he maybe has.
3:54 Not the worst move I’ve ever seen. Progress!
4:05 Call it what it was. A dunk. Do not disrespect DJ “Deej” Wilson.
4:23 Korkmaz with the Korkskrew layup.
4:42 Fun fact: all seven of Hunter’s field goals came in the final game.
4:50 Another Part 4 Pelicans player with an impossibly ugly and improbable shot. That was not “Lemony Fresh”.
4:56 I think it’s safe to say we’re not seeing this guy ever again.
5:23 Mavs rookies have such cool names. Gian Clavell. Antonius Cleveland. Jameel Warney.
5:31 Julyan Stone once locked down Chris Paul for one quarter in the playoffs. Never forget.
6:04 $3,553,000 per made field goal.
6:27 Flashback to Jack Cooley at 2:51, minus the patronizing teammates.
7:03 I wanted Markelevation. Not Markelamefloater. Also, why is the commentator so happy? There’s nothing to be happy about here. Floaters are never a happy occasion.
7:08 The first time in franchise history that a player made a shot?
7:34 Matt Williams: a budget Wayne Ellington? As far as you know, yes.
7:38 For the next minute and a half, you are watching players make their only field goal of the season. “Vander Blue Full Season Highlights 2017-18 – THE ULTIMATE MIX” just happened.
7:47 $17,190,000 per made field goal.
8:00 It’s weird watching footage of this game before the Bad Thing happened.
8:05 It’s tempting to make fun of Pistons fans for not staying until the end of a win, but joke’s on you, they were never in the arena to begin with.
8:29 Marshall Plumlee only attempted three shots all season but shot 16 free throws. What.
8:46 The Pistons are paying this guy until 2032. Look it up.
9:03 Nate Wolters is forever immortalized by bringing up the rear of this video. Is that a good or bad thing? You decide!
And now, the list of players who played minutes but didn’t make a shot (team and minutes played in parentheses):
Nicolas Brussino (Hawks, 10)
Ben Moore (Pacers, 9)
Jarell Eddie (Celtics, Bulls, 9)
Luis Montero (Pistons, 8)
Erik McCree (Jazz, 8)
Scotty Hopson (Mavericks, 8)
Xavier Silas (Celtics, 7)
Josh McRoberts (Mavericks, 6)
Tyler Lydon (Nuggets, 2)
Mindaugas Kuzminskas (Knicks, 2)
Trey McKinney-Jones (Pacers, 1)
Chris Boucher (Warriors, 1)