Dwyane Wade has been ‘roiding his whole career. Everybody knows this. If you need proof, just look at the comparison pics of his Marquette days versus his NBA days. People’s jaws don’t become square like that because they’re doing jaw exercises. It’s because they’re injecting large amounts of high-quality upmarket steroids. I’m not judging here, I’m just stating facts. Wade is a roid monster.
So with the fact-gathering out of the way, let’s move on to the real meat of the story. Since my highlight channel isn’t quite paying the bills, I have been experimenting in my bathroom with different formulations of steroids. Basically I just buy normal, off-the-shelf roids from the musclebros at the gym to do my experiments. Those guys are probably wondering why I’m buying all those steroids but never putting on a pound of muscle (I’m basically a permanent skeleton guys, it’s not pretty). Well, the reason is that I’ve got a boutique roids lab being operated illegally out of my bathroom.
It turns out that if you microwave steroids in an overclocked microwave which emits nuclear radiation, you end up with a much more potent product. I tested a little bit on myself and I could actually see muscles growing in front of my eyes. It was kind of scary. And these weren’t fake synthol muscles either. These were real muscles with real power, and they lasted a surprisingly long time before deflating. We’re talking weeks on just one small dose. My right bicep looked like it could win a strongman competition by itself. I couldn’t go outside at all during that time because I was so out-of-proportion. It did make picking up Japurri a lot easier though. He’s a tubby kitty.
These irradiated roids infused with the awesome microwave-born power of nuclear fission would be perfect for an old guy looking to extend his NBA career. An old guy who might be finding that even the expensive roids he buys aren’t enough for him anymore. Dwyane Wade, I’m talking directly to you now. Contact me via Twitter and I’ll give you my prices. They’re a bit steep at $100,000 per treatment, but you’ve got the money and I’ve got the roids. We can make this work.