Kyle Korver 18 Points Full Highlights (12/21/2018)

When Kyle Korver was drafted, way back in the year 2003, the Nets, the team who drafted him, immediately traded him for 125,000 dollars cash. They then drove down to their local office supply store and used that cash to buy the fanciest copy machine they could find. Sounds like a lopsided trade, right? Korver for a copy machine? But we should not jump to conclusions, first we must analyze the facts about which is more valuable.

POINTS PER MINUTE
Kyle Korver has averaged right around .38 points per minute for his career. The copy machine is not a basketball player or any kind of sportsperson at all and thus the concept of “points per minute” doesn’t really apply to it. Advantage: Korver on a technicality

PAGES PER MINUTE
The copier, assuming the Nets did their homework on which one to buy, probably churned out 100 pages of copied material per minute. Korver, on the other hand, defines “pages per minute” as how many pages of a book he can read in a minute. Which is zero, because he’s illiterate. Don’t tell anyone. Advantage: copy machine

LONGEVITY
Korver has been in the league for 16 seasons now, a great career for such a low pick. However, copy machines are notoriously sturdy as long as you maintain them properly. Sure, you have to replace the toner seemingly every day, but that’s not an actual part of the machine and thus doesn’t count against it when it comes to lifespan. I’m sure the Nets are taking good care of it and still prints out copies of the CBA just like it did when it was a newborn. Advantage: tie

ALL-STAR APPEARANCES
The copier has no All-Star appearances because “copy machine” is not one of the positions on the basketball court that can be voted on for the All-Star game. Korver does have one All-Star appearance, but it is so unearned that it might as well not exist at all. Advantage: another tie

RESEMBLANCE TO ASHTON KUTCHER
For a long time, Korver looked way too much like Ashton Kutcher, so much so that he was stealing my girlfriends from me because of it for many years. Now, though, he’s looking kind of old and weird and wrinkly, and the resemblance is just not there like it used to be. But with the copier, it can print out endless pictures of Ashton Kutcher, so I think it wins this one. Advantage: copy machine

EMBARRASSMENT TO NETS FRANCHISE
Trading away Korver was a bad move for the Nets, because every team, even back then, could always use more shooting, which is the skill that he provides. Using that money to buy a copier was also a bad move, because no one will ever stop making fun of a team that traded away an actual living, breathing human being for a piece of office equipment. What the hell? Advantage: I don’t know, but the Nets sure lost this one.

Well, those are the facts. Like them or not, their factuality cannot be denied. If you wish to challenge me on any of the above points, don’t even bother. Save your breath for times when I state my opinions, not my facts. And with the analysis of these facts we can tell who is more valuable between Korver and the copier, and the result is… the copier! The Nets blundered this one bad, but at least they got a lot of years of primo copying, scanning, printing, and maybe even fax functionality.

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