Josh Hart 22 Points Full Highlights (12/30/2018)

I still suck at Fortnite. The only time I ever kill somebody is if I run into a fight in progress and start firing wildly. One time I even managed to kill two people this way. Most of the time, though, I’m running around with no guns and no health trying to evade detection because I can’t aim and if there’s strategy involved, I don’t know what it is. If I see somebody in the distance I immediately run the other way. Sometimes I’ll just chop wood because then it seems like I’m making progress.

I see people building all these structures and it just makes me mad. How are they allowed to know how to build these elaborate fortresses while I’m trying to figure out which button lets me jump? Is there a tutorial level that I can play? Once I accidentally created a ramp out of some wood and I was so proud of it that I just stood on top of it until somebody shot me and I died. But I could never re-create that success. Also, I wish I played on a console instead of PC because then I would probably get auto-aim. My aim is balls. If I had auto-aim I bet I would dominate all those scrubs.

Josh Hart, if you’re reading this (and I know you are because I know you can’t resist watching YouTube videos of hourself), please grant me some of your Fortnite powers. And if you’re unwilling to grant me your powers directly, could you at least come over to my place and tutor me on how to be a Fortnite god who regularly finishes top five? I want to be good at this game but I suck so bad and I’m so tired of getting my ass kicked by what I imagine to be a bunch of seventh-graders who are laughing at me.

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