Bobby Portis 26 Points Full Highlights (1/30/2019)

Since I’m chronically running low on material to pad out my video descriptions, I decided to do some Google-aided research in order to find out if Bobby Portis’s “crazy eye” condition has a proper medical term, or if you just call it “bugged out eyes”.

As it turns out, the OFFICIAL MEDICAL TERMINOLOGY for bugged out eyes is “exophthalmos”. “Exo” is a Greek prefix meaning “out of or away from” and “Ophthalmos” is Greek for “eye”. Combine them and you get a syndrome where your eyeballs are literally trying to escape away from your face through your eye sockets. That’s exactly what Portis has. I feel like I just diagnosed him with something. Can the Bulls medical staff cut me a check now?

There is surgery to correct Exophthalmos and I couldn’t find a cost estimate for it, but it’s safe to assume that Portis could afford it. All the doctor would have to do is, like, use his palms to press Portis’ eyeballs back into his head a little bit so they aren’t jutting out all the time. If they really don’t want to stay in there, he could pop them out, apply a bit of superglue, and then stick them directly to the skull. I have done some tests and you definitely don’t die if you put superglue on your eyeballs. It stings a bit, but you don’t die. Not yet, anyway.

However, I don’t think a surgery is even necessary. Not only do Portis’ protuberant eyeballs give him a significant psychological advantage (he looks like a crazy person even when he’s not displaying any other emotions, and he looks like a severely deranged person when he gets hyped), but they stick out so far that his peripheral vision is probably 50% better than an average human’s. He’s got those chameleon eyes going on. He sees both sides of the court at once. Why would want to willingly take away that advantage?

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