Chandler Parsons might have the worst production/payment ratio in the league (outside of guys like Ian Mahinmi, Bismack Biyombo, and Miles Plumlee, all of whom are perpetual DNPs despite their outlandish contracts), but anybody who’s mad at him for getting paid all that cash should examine their motives. Those who conduct an honest investigation of those motives will find that their hatred is mostly driven by jealousy. I mean, who wouldn’t want this life?
-Get paid 25 million dollars in one year
-Bang Instagram models every night
-Play basketball sometimes
-Have losers constantly berate you for being successful, handsome, and skilled
-Live in Tennessee (okay this one is maybe not so good)
-Eat cheeseburgers for every meal and when team dietitans tell you to fix your diet you pay them ten thousand dollars cash to shut up
-Just Uber everywhere because why drive when you can pay people to be your chauffeur
-Live in a huge mansion that has a separate midget-sized bathroom in case midgets ever come to visit
That sounds tight as all hell. I want that life. My only hope is that my Patreon intake multiplies by a million. I’ll do Parsons one better and get an entire separate guest house that’s midget-sized.