I’ve been giving it some thought lately, and I’ve come to the conclusion that Danny Green’s got it pretty good, all things considered. Compared to us commoners, obviously his qualify of life is so far above our own that it’s like we’re not even the same species, but even when his life is compared to the lives of other NBA players, it seems pretty cushy. Here’s an outline of some of the reasons why I personally believe his life is awesome:
1. He got traded from the West to the East. No more running into the Warriors or Rockets in the playoffs.
2. He got traded with Kawhi Leonard. Being left behind on a Kawhi-less Spurs team would have sucked. This way is much better for Green.
3. If he plays poorly, the loss won’t be his fault. Nobody expects Green to single-handedly win the game, so if he pubes it up, the blame usually just gets shifted to Kyle Lowry, Marc Gasol, or Fred VanVleet (why did he pick the ‘offs to start sucking).
4. If he plays well, everybody congratulates him for doing more than expected.
5. Toronto is an okay place to live. It doesn’t have them big ol’ women or as many churros, but it has Canadians in it. And Timbits. And a ridiculously handsome prime minister (I’m assuming here that Toronto is the capital of Canada and that the prime minister lives in the capital).
6. He will get paid until he’s forty because even old men can shoot threes (see: Ray Allen [see also: Vince Carter]).
7. The Raptors are kinda-sorta contenders for the championship. Who wouldn’t want to have a low-pressure role for a championship-caliber team?
So, there you have it. Danny Green’s existence is nothing but a glowing orange blob of pure joy. My own life, on the other hand, precariously hangs in the balance as my landlord is trying to force me out of my apartment by some illegal (or at least immoral) process called “eviction”. Uh, excuse me, nobody ever told me that rent was mandatory. I thought it was optional. Like tipping.