As you must surely be aware of, your tenure as owner of the Phoenix Suns has not been without controversy. Even casual fans are aware of your…how shall I put it delicately…frugality when it comes to spending on the team. Despite this, pressure from the public and from other NBA owners has not yet reached a point where your job is in imminent danger.
You must also be aware that if your star player were to leave the team, fan support would drop precipitously, and even your cheaply-constructed roster wouldn’t prevent the team from rapidly losing money. So it makes sense to keep your star player happy, does it not?
You see where I am going with this. I may have just signed a five-year extension, but recent history has shown us that even players at the beginning of very large deals can demand trades with ease. And if my demands for an improved situation are not met, it would be quite easy for me to take a page out of the Paul George playbook. In doing so, your career would be quite literally ruined.
Now that we understand each other, the following is a list of things that I am seeking within the next year:
-Assurance from the coaching staff that I will never get double-teamed. If I’m getting double-teamed, that’s an indication of my teammates being so trash that they don’t even warrant a defender on them. It’s not fair that I have to do more work to score (and necessarily commit more turnovers) just because my teammates lick booty holes. There are lots of teams in this league where, if I were traded there, my teammates would demand attention from the defense.
-Freshly baked chocolate chip cookies waiting for me in the locker room at every home AND away game. I perform better on the court if I have chocolate chip cookies in my tummy. Corollary to this, if I ever bite into what appears to be a chocolate chip cookie and the chocolate chips turn out to be raisins, I will immediately stop reporting to the team. Then me and my agent will find a team that can adequately follow my cookie-baking instructions.
-Teammates that are good enough to help us win games but not so good that they get mad at me when I take all the shots. I feel that there is an achievable balance here that has, up to now, never come close to being reached. If you don’t reach it, I’ll find a team that has a more suitable roster and demand a trade there.
-I should totally be allowed to play games on the coaches’ iPads during timeouts. It’s not like anything they say is going to make any difference in how well we play, so they might as well let me play Candy Crush. I will delay my imminent trade deadline by two (2) weeks if the iPads all have a credit card loaded on them so I can buy in-game boosters and powerups.
-Playoff appearances. I’m done with not making the playoffs. For real this time.
-The dismissal of Tyler Johnson from the team. Not only does he play my position, meaning that he gets playing time that is rightfully mine, but he is a very ugly person and I don’t like looking at him. It would be ideal if he could be traded for somebody like Jerryd Bayless, who is very attractive, but if such a trade is not available on the market, then waiving Tyler is perfectly acceptable. Note that Kelly Oubre is exactly the type of attractive player that the Suns should be acquiring.
-Confirmation from Deandre Ayton that he is content to let me be star 1a while he is star 1b (or less – I would not argue if he wished to be star 2c). I would confirm this with him myself but we aren’t on friendly enough terms where I can just talk to him or send him a text message out of the blue. If Deandre wishes to also be star 1a, or even worse, wishes to demote me to star 1b, then I will arrange a trade to a team where the stars know their place in the hierarchy.
-Pizza party after every win. The meal plans arranged by the nutritionists do not often allow for the consumption of pizza during the season. What better way to encourage the team to perform well than with the promise of delicious cheesy pizza after a hard-fought victory? I’ve heard from friends that the Timberwolves regularly throw pizza parties for their players. Yes, that is a threat.
-The hiring of Kobe Bean Bryant as an assistant coach. If you think I’m good at basketball now, just wait until Kobe gets his hands on me. I’ll single-handedly drag our roster of Smush Parkers and Chris Mihms to the conference finals. As far as I know, Kobe’s not even doing anything right now, so this one should be really easy.
You should be glad that I’m laying it out for you like this. Not all stars are so specific with their demands. And you love meddling with team affairs that you have no business meddling in, so these demands actually present you with an opportunity to be as meddlesome as you want.
The clock is ticking, Mr. Sarver.