Mirza Teletovic 20 Points/6 Threes Full Highlights (4/4/2014)

Mirza has had a bunch of games like this so far this year. Games where he hits a bunch of threes, some of them not very good looks, and makes it look routine. But he’s also had a bunch of games where he hasn’t done anything at all. We need, nay, we demand, consistency! And…

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DeAndre Jordan 21 Points/15 Rebounds/6 Dunks Full Highlights (4/3/2014)

The crew were gathered in the main deck, eagerly awaiting the transmission to the holo-projector. Holoperator Urgorx 77-Q fiddled with the equipment. Kronbub 32-C, the pilot of the craft, vibrated his caudal membranes in a show of impatience. “I don’t get why the humans don’t adhere to their posted start times. The contest was supposed…

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Kawhi Leonard 17 Points Full Highlights (4/3/2014)

When Kawhi Leonard is leading the Spurs to multiple ‘chips in four years, how funny will it be that the Pacers gave him up to get George Hill? A.) Very Funny B.) Somewhat Funny C.) Not Funny D.) More Sad Than Anything At the moment, it’s not even that funny, given that Hill is a…

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Jeff Adrien 14 Points Full Highlights (4/2/2014)

I’m sure Jeff Adrien is a great guy. Good teammate. Whatever. But there is no reason he should be playing as many minutes as he is. 34 minutes for a guy who barely played at the beginning of the year and is likely not in the Bucks’ future plans? 21 minutes for the future of…

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Jan Vesely 10 Points/2 Blocks Full Highlights (4/2/2014)

What is Jan Vesely’s favorite spot in a supermarket? The Czechout lane. What is Jan Vesely’s preferred type of bank account? A Czeching account. How does Jan Vesely point out an attractive female to his friends? “Czech out the ass on that one.” What is Jan Vesely’s favorite State Farm television commercial? Discount Double-Czech. When…

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Spencer Hawes 20 Points/5 Assists Full Highlights (4/2/2014)

Watching this video will make you happy. Witnessing the ball go in the basket will release chemicals that will compel your brain to feel the emotions of happiness and satisfaction. However, your brain lies to you; when watching these highlights, you should feel only sadness and melancholy. “But why, DTB? Why? Spencer had a good…

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Otto Porter 9 Points Full Highlights (4/2/2014)

On the surface, Otto Porter appears to be a bust of magnificent proportions. However, do not be so quick to judge! He missed training camp and the beginning of the season with an injury, robbing him of his chance to get acclimated to his team and the NBA as a whole. The Wizards’ rotation was…

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Marreese Speights 22 Points Full Highlights (4/2/2014)

Brow shining with sweat, Marreese slaved away in his kitchen with uncanny focus. As steams and aromas wafted around him from multiple pots, he darted to and fro; tasting this, sampling that, adding ingredients with precision. Tossing in dashes of spice and small amounts of chopped vegetable, he controlled his domain with the steady hand…

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Ray McCallum Career High 27 Points Full Highlights (4/2/2014)

The end of this video contains a shot of Isaiah Thomas in a suit, clapping in support of Ray McCallum. What a good teammate! He thinks not about his own successes, but about the successes of his compatriots and the team as a whole! At least, that’s what he wants you to think he thinks….

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Aaron Brooks 24 Points/6 Threes Full Highlights (4/2/2014)

The boxscore for this game lists Aaron Brooks as having blocked two shots. Damn good for a midget like him, right? That’s what I thought. So I check out the first one and it’s like 90% steal and 10% block. I cannot articulate the disappointment that I felt when I saw it except in the…

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