Jakob Poeltl 16 Points Full Highlights (4/11/2018)

How many times has Jakob “Purtle” Poeltl created his own shot this year. Like, received the ball at a standstill, and through his own actions, without the help of teammates, used deft maneuvering to put the ball in basketball. Definitely less than a dozen, I’d say. Maybe closer to “zero”. I certainly can’t remember any…

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Jakob Poeltl 17 Points Full Highlights (3/21/2018)

I considered writing a big multi-paragraph essay about why Austria is so awesome (Jakob Poeltl is one of the reasons) for this description, but I feel like Austrians aren’t as fervently nationalistic as, say, people from former Yugoslavian states. Blatantly pandering to them would not earn me as many subscribers. I will say, however, that…

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Jakob Poeltl 13 Points/5 Assists Full Highlights (2/28/2018)

I don’t know why I was expecting a Jokic-esque passing performance from Jakob “Blake Griffin’s Hillbilly Cousin” Poeltl when I looked at the boxscore tonight. Actually, I do know why: because he’s a Euro. He’s not really a Euro, though. Euros in the NBA come from former Yugoslav countries, or Lithuania, or from German/Spain/France/Italy. Austria…

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Jakob Poeltl 13 Points Full Highlights (2/8/2018)

It’s obvious when you watch this game that the Raptors are finally playing free and loose thanks to the departure of one Bruno Caboclo. You think I’m joking right now? Obviously, you’ve never been in an NBA locker room. I have. Many times. And I can tell you right now that having such a big…

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Jakob Poeltl 18 Points Full Highlights (12/1/2017)

Jakob “Der Gro├če Wiener” Poeltl can only make layups. That is his entire offensive game. He cannot do anything else. Even when it looks like he can totally dunk it, he opts instead for a layup while barely jumping. Energy conservation? Perhaps, but to me it looks like he’s a being a pillow-soft Euro softie…

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Jakob Poeltl 14 Points Full Highlights (11/25/2017)

Raptors fans who actually watched this game should have told me that these seven buckets by Jakob Poeltl were about the lamest seven buckets any NBA player has had this season. Why did no one tell me? Do they not have internet in Canada? I know they do, because I know that I get tons…

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Jakob Poeltl 14 Points/3 Blocks Full Highlights (10/21/2017)

The Raptors’ center situation can be viewed, not as a clash of basketball players and their respective talents, but as a geopolitically-charged morass that’s waiting to explode at any moment. With Valanciunas represnting Lithuania, Poeltl representing Austria, and Nogueira representing Brazil, you can bet that the embassies of these countries are watching the situation very…

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Jakob Poeltl 12 Points Full Highlights (3/27/2017)

Jakob “Poeltl Sundae” Poeltl is the “solid white bigman” of the next generation. Remember how solid Jeff Foster was? That’s Jakob Poeltl. He’s solid. Or, he will be solid in the future. He’s still working on his solidity. The white part, though, he has down. Definitely. That part of his game is fully-developed. As is…

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Jakob Poeltl 12 Points Full Highlights (3/19/2017)

Full disclosure: Jakob Poeltl’s appearance reminds of a white(r) Blake Griffin. With that out of the way, we can reflect on how it sucks that the Raptors are such a good team because it means that their bountiful collection of young talent doesn’t get as much time as they need to develop unless they go…

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