Ed Davis 18 Points/3 Dunks Full Highlights (12/19/2014)

Sources from within the Davis family have provided me with an advance copy of Ed Davis’ 2014 Christmas Wish List. The sources wish not to be named for fear that Ed will no longer get them anything for Christmas with his huge stacks of cash. Here is where I exert subtle pressure on Gordon Hayward’s…

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Carlos Boozer 22 Points Full Highlights (12/14/2014)

Why does Carlos Boozer yell so much? He yells at everything on the court, no matter what it is. Person driving into the paint? Just yell “AAAAAAAAAHHHH” at him and point rather than defending. Driving to the basket yourself? If anybody grazes your body, or even if they don’t: “AAAAHHH!!’ Sitting on the bench? Provide…

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Ronnie Price 14 Points/4 Threes Full Highlights (12/19/2014)

Nothing in my life has prepared me for this moment. Now the moment is upon us, and I am, for the first time, at a loss for words. What do you even say about Ronnie Price? This guy has been the embodiment of scrubbitude since he’s been in the league. Ten years of NBA basketball…

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Nick Young 20 Points/5 Threes Full Highlights (11/30/2014)

YouTube is getting smarter. Now, whenever I go to tag a video with the name basketball player, it helpfully autocompletes to something like “Wayne Ellington (Basketball Player)”. Helpful! In this case, though, something got a little messed up, as it suggested “Nick Young (Celebrity)”. This is a poor omen. It’s true that I don’t take…

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Wes Johnson 19 Points/4 Threes Full Highlights (11/28/2014)

Wes Johnson needs to be more assertive. He gets thirty minutes a contest but can’t even average 10 PPG, even though his only talent coming out of college was scoring. Kobe Bean taking all the shots is hindering Wes just like it’s hindering everybody else, but if Wayne Ellington is scoring almost as much as…

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Robert Sacre 13 Points Full Highlights (11/23/2014)

After being single-handedly responsible for the Mavericks scoring seven points in five seconds, I had come up with a new nickname for Robert Sacre. Wait for it… Robert Suckre. Please hold your applause. While that may have been a relevant nickname at the time, circumstances outside of my control have caused it to become obsolete…

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Jordan Hill 23 Points Full Highlights (10/31/2014)

The Lakers’ time is up. Their core of Bryant, Lin, and ???? is going nowhere other than the bottom of the standings. Randle is not going to win ROTY rolling around in a wheelchair. Nick Young, even if he does come back, will provide not wins, but $wag. Jordan Hill and his hair can shoot…

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Carlos Boozer 17 Points Lakers Debut Full Highlights (10/28/2014)

Carlos banged his fist on the desk in anger. “What do you mean, ‘quarterly losses of 22 million?’” I thought you said this was a sure thing, Travis!” Travis, CEO of Booze Cruise Unlimited, shrunk away from his angry investor. “It is, Carlos, it is. We just need more money. People love you, man, and…

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Jordan Hill 22 Points Full Highlights (4/6/2014)

While making these highlights, all I could think about was “what happened to Jordan Hill’s hair?” It’s like he tried to turn his dreads into one of those “fancy” hairstyles, but he didn’t have a mirror or another person to help him so he just kind of piled and twisted his hair in every direction….

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Kent Bazemore 17 Points Full Highlights (4/1/2014)

Kent Bazemore has shown himself to be a potent scorer with the ability to lock down his man when he feels like it. However, he will never be taken seriously by fans or opponents. Why? He has a babyface. Look how chubby his cheeks are! Isn’t he the cutest little Laker ever? I just want…

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