Chris Bosh 25 Points/3 Threes Full Highlights (1/18/2014)

One of the common online tropes for Chris Bosh is that he is secretly a dinosaur. Posting pictures of NBA players as kids? Here’s a picture of that raptor-hatching scene from Jurassic Park. Talking about the oldest players ever to play professionally? Bring up the fact that Chris Bosh is 65 million years old. These…

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Greg Oden 6 Points/2 Dunks Heat Debut Full Highlights (1/15/2014)

Greg Oden looked warily down at the ground two stories below him. He and Brandon Roy stood on the roof of Oden’s fancy suburban house, with Oden himself holding a pogo stick. “Yo, Brandon, you sure this is a good idea? Cause it doesn’t feel like a good idea to me.” “Stop being a wimp,…

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Roger Mason Jr. 12 Points Full Highlights (12/8/2013)

A look into the mind of a rational official NBA scorekeeper: “The ball was just changed hands. Okay, the receiving player is dribbling, he’s doing a lot of work to get this shot, and…it goes in! Two points for him, but no assist since the passer didn’t really do anything to set up the shot.”…

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Michael Beasley 23 Points Full Highlights (12/3/2013)

Someone needs to tell Michael Beasley that his journey to redemption won’t be complete until he grows back that awesome fro. It’s like I’m watching a whole different player, except that he still takes the same dumb shots he always has. I’m not entirely convinced that Beasley’s shooting won’t regress back to his mean. But…

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Ray Allen 17 Points Full Highlights (11/25/2013)

Ray Allen, before this game, had made 2874 three pointers in his illustrious career. That’s a lot of hot tamales! But consider this: despite his status as greatest long-bomber of all time, he had clanged on 4288 of his attempts. That’s ridiculous! I don’t get why he’s considered the best if he can’t even make…

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Michael Beasley 15 Points Full Highlights (11/16/2013)

The last component the Heat needed to secure a guaranteed 10 chips in a row was some better bench play. They still didn’t have a guy who would come off the bench and chuck like a maniac for a few minutes. They have that guy now, and let me tell you, Michael Beasley is chucking…

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Mario Chalmers 20 Points Full Highlights (6/18/2013)

“Daddy, how come we don’t have running water?” “I’ve told you a million times, Mario, the Alaskan government doesn’t have the resources to adequately provide for the people who reside in its frozen wastelands. You want a hot shower, you take the 10 day sled ride into town like everybody else.” “But dad, there’s…” “Enough….

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Ray Allen 21 Points Full Highlights (6/16/2013)

Official Basketball Films Power Rankings: 1. Space Jam – This is an obvious one. EVERYBODY GET UP ITS TIME TO SLAM NOW WE GOT A REAL JAM GOING DOWN WELCOME TO THE SPACE JAM. 2. Semi-pro – Surprisingly good considering it had Will Farrell in it. 3. White Men Can’t Jump – That chick was…

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Mike Miller 15 Points/5 Threes Full Highlights (6/11/2013)

You want to hear something crazy? Mike Miller was once Rookie of the Year. Averaging 11 points and 4 rebounds. He was a product of the notorious 2000 draft, where every player was a bust. Kenyon Martin at #1 turned out okay, but he was still sort of a bust. The next players were Stromile…

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Udonis Haslem 16 Points Full Highlights (5/30/2013)

The Heat are screwed. Yeah, they beat the Pacers by 11 points. Pretty good, right? It is, until you realize that Udonis Haslem scored 16 points, which is more than the margin of victory. If Haslem scores his usual 2 points, the Heat lose again, and suddenly their glowing championship dreams start turning into nightmares…

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