Robin Lopez 19 Points Full Highlights (11/12/2014)

What blows my mind is that the Portland Trailblazers scored in 84 in the first half…while starting Allen Crabbe. Forget about Robin Lopez for a second. He doesn’t matter right now. Allen Crabbe! My brain doesn’t know how to handle this information. It’s all I can do to play simplistic Flash games while I wait…

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Wesley Matthews 21 Points/5 Threes Full Highlights (11/9/2014)

“No, that’s not right…” Wesley mumbled, staring at his reflection in the mirror. He unbuttoned the top two buttons of his vibrantly-plaid button-down shirt, exposing his dark chest hair. “That’s better.” Journeying to his closet, he picked out a pair of black jeans from his high-school days. His mom had admonished him when he had…

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Chris Kaman 12 Points Full Highlights (11/6/2014)

Chris “Kaveman” Kaman is definitely the most hobo-looking guy in the NBA. I don’t think it’s close at all. Josh McRoberts could give him a run for his money if he just failed to wash his hair for a few weeks, but Chris will always retain the edge in bald spot possession. This is one…

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Damian Lillard All 218 Three-Pointers Full Highlights (2013-14 Season Three-ilation)

Across the land of Port The frost-covered moors Will hold their court For aeons past and to come A pallor heavily hangs From horizon to horizon And though the winds may change The fog will always prevail Twelve men take the path In number, strong, in strength, weak Advancing through the wrath The fallen haunt…

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Will Barton 17 Points Full Highlights (5/12/2014)

Will Barton entered the house with the stealthiness of a veteran home intruder. However, he wasn’t here to steal material goods. He had plenty of those. This was an excursion to cement his viability as an NBA player. Thankful for the carpeted floors, Will sneaked soundlessly into one of the many bedrooms of the residence….

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Nicolas Batum 20 Points/7 Assists Full Highlights (5/10/2014)

In this series, Nicolas “I Want To Punch Juan Carlos Navarro In The Balls” Batum is the only bright spot on an embarrassingly-outmatched Blazers team. While his teammates struggle to tie their shoes and navigate food from their fork to their mouth, Batum is showing that he is worth the money that he was paid…

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Nicolas Batum 21 Points Full Highlights (5/8/2014)

Nicolas “I Hate Juan Carlos Navarro” Batum is an example of what happens when a young, raw player actually develops. But, for every Nicolas Batum, there are ten Hassan Whitesides left behind, forced to seek employment overseas. The Blazers lucked out this time, and their prospect turned out to be a high-quality starter who is…

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Robin Lopez 17 Points/4 Blocks Full Highlights (4/30/2014)

I would pay so much money just to have five seconds alone with Robin Lopez’s afro. I would commit wholly lewd and inappropriate acts with that thing. It just looks so fluffy and soft, like a cute little bunny, but it’s also simmering with eroticism, like a cheap hooker. If I even grazed my finger…

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Wesley Matthews 27 Points/5 Threes/3 Blocks Full Highlights (4/30/2014)

Adam Silver paced his office frantically. A few high-ranking NBA executives sat in the office with him, glancing at each other uneasily. “We have to do something to distract the viewers from the Sterling debacle.” Silver finally pronounced, continuing to tread the same path between his desk and the window. “Something bold, but not too…

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Mo Williams 17 Points Full Highlights (4/25/2014)

Mo Williams ‏@mowilliams Apr 25 hey @KingJames u see how clutch i was in playoffs, i still got it #ripcityswag Mo Williams ‏@mowilliams Apr 25 we shud team up again, like old days @KingJames Mo Williams ‏@mowilliams Apr 25 sup @KingJames Mo Williams ‏@mowilliams Apr 25 what’s up @KingJames Mo Williams ‏@mowilliams Apr 25 @KingJames…

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