Serge Ibaka 27 Points Full Highlights (3/9/2020)

Since I wore myself out writing some other descriptions tonight, I present to you my latest low-effort drivel disguised as semi-serious journalism: OFFICIAL FAMILY-FRIENDLY EUPHEMISMS FOR SERGE IBAKA’S “THINGY” POWER RANKINGS: 1. “Thingy” 2. “Pants Python” 3. “Sweatpants Snake” 4. “The Congolese Crusher” 5. “(Not-So-)Little Serge” 6. “The Pipe” 7. “Meat” [POWER GAP] 9001. “Cockle-Doodle-Doo”…

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Norman Powell 31 Points/5 Assists Full Highlights (3/8/2020)

Since returning from injury, Norman Powell has been on a tear, averaging 28 points over the last 5 games. You could look at the last 5 games for a lot of the stars in the league, and I bet a lot of them aren’t averaging even close to that. That’s my way of saying that…

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Norman Powell Career High 37 Points Full Highlights (3/5/2020)

I’m pretty sure that Norman Powell saw that he was playing the Warriors with Stephen Curry, saw all the TNT equipment scattered around the arena, saw the swarms of media members, felt the raucous energy of the fans, and decided that this was game 7 of the NBA Finals and he had to ball out…

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Norman Powell 26 Points Full Highlights (3/3/2020)

It turns out that Norman Powell is actually really good now, unlike previous years where he was just okay but Raptors fans were hyping him to high heaven. It’s too bad that, now that he’s a legitimately good player, Raptors fans seem to have stopped caring about him (I see the view counts on his…

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Chris Boucher 19 Points Full Highlights (3/3/2020)

Who even wants Marc Gasol to come back? Nobody besides Marc himself and maybe his brother Pau (and their third brother who never made it to the league, Andreas or something). Other than that, I don’t know why you would want that old dude to come back to the court and be old when you…

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Norman Powell 24 Points Full Highlights (3/1/2020)

Norman Powell is like the original success story of the Masai-era Raptors. They drafted him super late in the draft and he quickly developed into a serviceable player. After some ups and downs in his career, Powell is solidly on the “up” side of the equation this season, but his success has been overshadowed by…

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OG Anunoby Career High 32 Points/7 Steals Full Highlights (3/1/2020)

OG Anunoby realized that he was lying on a hard surface, and just as quickly realized that there was no reason for him to being on a hard surface unless something had gone terribly wrong. “This isn’t funny, guys,” he said without opening his eyes, assuming that some of his teammates, prone to juvenile practical…

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Norman Powell 22 Points Full Highlights (2/28/2020)

In the aftermath of the Raptors’ (good team) loss to the Hornets (very not good team), I decide to infiltrate their internet-based hideouts to capture some RAW, UNFILTERED emotion from crushed Raptors fans. Keep in mind that the following quotes are UNEDITED and TOTALLY RAW. I didn’t even correct their spelling mistakes. That’s how you…

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Fred VanVleet 22 Points Full Highlights (2/12/2020)

I predict that this video will get fewer views (possible as few as zero) on account of Raptors fans being way too sad after having their precious 15-game winning streak snapped to watch this. The entire nation of Canada is in a state of mourning. Why relive painful memories of the past, as would happen…

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