Jakob Poeltl 17 Points Full Highlights (3/21/2018)

I considered writing a big multi-paragraph essay about why Austria is so awesome (Jakob Poeltl is one of the reasons) for this description, but I feel like Austrians aren’t as fervently nationalistic as, say, people from former Yugoslavian states. Blatantly pandering to them would not earn me as many subscribers. I will say, however, that…

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Jonas Valanciunas 26 Points Full Highlights (3/13/2018)

I’m really digging Jonas Valanciunas’ beard this season. It looks good. Lots of volume, good shaping. Not one of those “well I’m in my mid-twenties now so I guess I’ll try one out” things that’s all patchy and pubey (Kelly Olynyk I’m CALLING YOU OUT). It looks like head hair except it’s on the bottom…

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Norman Powell 17 Points Full Highlights (3/7/2018)

Norman Powell has sucked big-time balls for most of the season up to this point. After being a valuable bench contributor in limited minutes for his first two seasons, the Raptors signed him to a fat 4-year, $42 million extension before this, his third season. And then his confidence turned into balls, his jumpshot turned…

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C.J. Miles 20 Points/6 Threes Full Highlights (3/2/2018)

As you might remember, my expeditious foray into the Instagram arena was short-lived because my mom somehow found out about my Instagram page before anybody else. All I wanted to do was make a little extra money on the side by showing off my heinie in a thong. The whole account is deleted now (how…

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Jakob Poeltl 13 Points/5 Assists Full Highlights (2/28/2018)

I don’t know why I was expecting a Jokic-esque passing performance from Jakob “Blake Griffin’s Hillbilly Cousin” Poeltl when I looked at the boxscore tonight. Actually, I do know why: because he’s a Euro. He’s not really a Euro, though. Euros in the NBA come from former Yugoslav countries, or Lithuania, or from German/Spain/France/Italy. Austria…

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Pascal Siakam 17 Points Full Highlights (2/23/2018)

If the Bucks had lost this game, I would’ve remained mad for about a week because of the BS shot that Pasacal Siakam hit with 2 minutes left in regulation. Happily for me and for every sane individual who loves America, the Bucks managed to pull it out, and I was only mad about Siakam’s…

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Serge Ibaka 20 Points Full Highlights (2/14/2018)

Sergeballu LaMu Sayonga Loom Walahas Jonas Hugo Ibaka is the dude on the Raptors who least wants to pass the ball. They’ve been sharing it well lately, but Ibaka, he wants to SCORE, dammit. Same with C.J. Miles, which is a little more inexcusable. Ibaka, at least, is a bigman who usually gets the ball…

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Pascal Siakam 17 Points Full Highlights (2/14/2018)

Jonas Valanciunas, shirtless, raised his eyebrows when Pascal Siakam sat next to him. His eyes got even wider when Pascal began to caress his biceps. “Uh, what are you doing man?” Pascal’s attention was fixed on Jonas’ arm muscles as he rubbed them up and down. “Trying to get some of your three-point shooting to…

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Jonas Valanciunas 21 Points/2 Threes Full Highlights (2/11/2018)

How is Lithuania doing in the Winter Olympics? Are they winning? Do they usually win? I hope they’re winning, if only to make Jonas Valanciunas happy. I admit, I’m paying exactly zero attention to the festivities this year, because I don’t think Ice Basketball is a sport yet, but I just thought I’d ask. Lithuania…

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C.J. Miles 24 Points/6 Threes Full Highlights (2/11/2018)

The Raptors have a really good bench this year. I don’t know how, because when looking at the guys they have as reserves, it’s immediately obvious that there aren’t any big-name players there. Therefore, in order to preserve my fragile mind, I’m going to go ahead and say that the reason that their bench is…

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