Fred VanVleet 16 Points Full Highlights (3/25/2018)

I need to write an app or something (or have someone else write it for me) that automatically subtracts points scored in the last however many minutes in blowout games from player point totals in the NBA boxscores. I need to do this because I am sick, and I am tired, of embarking on what…

Read More

Pascal Siakam 15 Points Full Highlights (3/25/2018)

Look at those facial wrinkles. Pascal Siakam has to be at least 35, if not 40, years old. At least Thon Maker invested early in anti-aging wrinkle-removing cream to be able to keep up his charade. Siakam looks like he could be my grandfather except he’s really black. And I’m supposed to believe he’s 23?…

Read More

Fred VanVleet 16 Points/5 Assists Full Highlights (3/21/2018)

Fred “Vleet of Voot” VanVleet: best backup PG in the league? I’m too lazy/dumb to come up with a list of all the backup PG’s in the league, so I can only make weak assertions with no evidence or facts to back them up. Fans of the other 29 teams in the league will probably…

Read More

Jakob Poeltl 17 Points Full Highlights (3/21/2018)

I considered writing a big multi-paragraph essay about why Austria is so awesome (Jakob Poeltl is one of the reasons) for this description, but I feel like Austrians aren’t as fervently nationalistic as, say, people from former Yugoslavian states. Blatantly pandering to them would not earn me as many subscribers. I will say, however, that…

Read More

Jonas Valanciunas 26 Points Full Highlights (3/13/2018)

I’m really digging Jonas Valanciunas’ beard this season. It looks good. Lots of volume, good shaping. Not one of those “well I’m in my mid-twenties now so I guess I’ll try one out” things that’s all patchy and pubey (Kelly Olynyk I’m CALLING YOU OUT). It looks like head hair except it’s on the bottom…

Read More

Norman Powell 17 Points Full Highlights (3/7/2018)

Norman Powell has sucked big-time balls for most of the season up to this point. After being a valuable bench contributor in limited minutes for his first two seasons, the Raptors signed him to a fat 4-year, $42 million extension before this, his third season. And then his confidence turned into balls, his jumpshot turned…

Read More

C.J. Miles 20 Points/6 Threes Full Highlights (3/2/2018)

As you might remember, my expeditious foray into the Instagram arena was short-lived because my mom somehow found out about my Instagram page before anybody else. All I wanted to do was make a little extra money on the side by showing off my heinie in a thong. The whole account is deleted now (how…

Read More

Jakob Poeltl 13 Points/5 Assists Full Highlights (2/28/2018)

I don’t know why I was expecting a Jokic-esque passing performance from Jakob “Blake Griffin’s Hillbilly Cousin” Poeltl when I looked at the boxscore tonight. Actually, I do know why: because he’s a Euro. He’s not really a Euro, though. Euros in the NBA come from former Yugoslav countries, or Lithuania, or from German/Spain/France/Italy. Austria…

Read More

Pascal Siakam 17 Points Full Highlights (2/23/2018)

If the Bucks had lost this game, I would’ve remained mad for about a week because of the BS shot that Pasacal Siakam hit with 2 minutes left in regulation. Happily for me and for every sane individual who loves America, the Bucks managed to pull it out, and I was only mad about Siakam’s…

Read More

Serge Ibaka 20 Points Full Highlights (2/14/2018)

Sergeballu LaMu Sayonga Loom Walahas Jonas Hugo Ibaka is the dude on the Raptors who least wants to pass the ball. They’ve been sharing it well lately, but Ibaka, he wants to SCORE, dammit. Same with C.J. Miles, which is a little more inexcusable. Ibaka, at least, is a bigman who usually gets the ball…

Read More