Martell Webster 24 Points/3 Dunks Full Highlights (1/21/2013)

Is Martell “W-Mart” Webster a bust? Yes. You could state it that way. But last time I called somebody a bust in one of these descriptions, some homer commentator called me “retarded” and accused me of only looking at box scores, so I will refrain from referring to Webster as a bust. He’s actually really…

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Bradley Beal 26 Points (Six Threes) Full Highlights (1/16/2013)

Bradley “Madley In Love” Beal started off the season as pretty much just a horrible chucker, but he has redeemed himself in the past few games by actually making more shots than he misses. This has resulted in the Wizards winning a few games. None of this means anything to Bradley. The only shot he…

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Jan Vesely 10 Points/4 Assists/3 Dunks Full Highlights (1/14/2013)

So last time I made Jan Vesely highlights, I made the mistake of insulting his appearance. I said he had a messed up face. I should have been more clear. It may be weird looking by American standards, but in actuality it is nicely proportioned and eye-pleasing compared to the face of your standard Czech…

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Jan Vesely 10 Points/2 Dunks Full Highlights (1/7/2012)

Jan “Silent J” Vesely has a smoking hot girlfriend. Who cares if he is kind of a bust? Who cares that a 6th overall pick has seemingly no basketball skills other than jumping and running? His girlfriend is fine. Damn fine. She’s also damn tall. Got to be at least 6-6. I could make a…

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Bradley Beal 22 Points Full Highlights (1/1/2013)

Sources have provided me with an exclusive list of Bradley Beal’s new year’s resolutions. I present it to you now in its entirety with no modifications or commentary: -Shoot over 38% from the field -Get a girlfriend by the end of the year – no excuses!!! -Force a trade somewhere, anywhere, please god, get me…

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Garrett Temple 13 Points/6 Assists Full Highlights (12/28/2012)

Let’s be honest here. Nobody knows who Garrett Temple is. I don’t, you don’t, nobody does. So when his disheveled form stumbled drunkenly into the Wizards front office, the receptionist almost kicked him out. “Lady please, I need a job. Any job. I’m six-foot-six, I can play either guard position, and I have a workable…

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Cartier Martin 18 Points Full Highlights (12/15/2012)

If you were a young NBA player who wanted to prove your efficacy in the league, which team would you want to go to? The Lakers? The Heat? The Knicks? No. None of those teams would give you any minutes. The real answer: the Wizards. There is no hope for them this season. John Wall’s…

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Jordan Crawford 26 Points Full Highlights (12/11/2012)

Jordan Crawford is one of the worst types of players you can have on your team: the guy whose points-per-game output is equivalent to their field-goal-attempts-per-game output. Taking into account three-pointers and free throws, you usually have to shoot below 40% to achieve this unwanted accolade. In this horrid, unwatchable 77-70 win for the Wiz,…

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Kevin Seraphin 18 Points Full Highlights (11/26/2012)

Seraph – n. A celestial or heavenly being in Abrahamic religions. From Hebrew śərāfîm, “burning ones”. Pl. (-aphs, -aphim or -aphin). Well that’s pretty bad-ass. You play the Wizards, not only do you have to go up against one winged celestial being who may or may not be on fire, you have to go up…

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Shaun Livingston 10 Points/4 Assists Full Highlights (11/19/2012)

Everyone knows that sad tale of Shaun Livingston. What’s that? You haven’t heard it? Well sit down, my child, and listen. Long ago in a land far away, a land known as Charlotte, Sir Livingston went up for a layup, and, oh god, what happened to his leg, HIS KNEE, it’s all wrong, all wrong,…

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