Brian Roberts 19 Points/4 Assists Full Highlights (1/13/2014)

I can’t believe this.

So my girlfriend’s currently going to cosmology or cosmetology school or whatever. She wants to open her own salon, it’s stupid but that’s what she wants so I pretend to be happy with it. Anyway, she has to take night classes because she works during the day as a waitress at Hooters. It pisses me off that dudes stare at her cleavage all day but she swears that she never is unfaithful with me, so whatever, another thing I can’t change.

Okay, back to the story. Nights are my basketball time, but I always try to be considerate to this girl since she’s like a 9/10, so I interrupt my basketball-watching to pick her up from the school, which, by the way, is fifteen miles away. I don’t complain, I just do it. That’s how it usually goes down anyway.

Last night I tuned in to the Pelicans/Spurs game when it started. I was mostly interested in the Davis/Duncan young-old matchup, but both teams have some intriguing players that I want to keep my eye on, including my man Brian Roberts. Would he step up his game with Jrue out of the lineup? I thought he wouldn’t.

As the game went on, Brian proved me wrong. He’s more of a scorer than I realized. And the game was super tight the whole way through, so, like I sometimes do, I just kind of zoned out. I call it the “basketball haze”. I don’t eat, drink, or check my texts when I’m in the haze. That last part kind of got me, since it was like 9:30 when the game finished, and my GF gets done with school at 8:00. Looking at my phone, I had like twenty texts from her, so I immediately got in the car and booked it downtown.

When I got to the school she was sitting by herself on a bench outside. It was sort of cold, so when she got in the car I tried to give her a kiss to warm her up, but she turned her head away. I get that she was annoyed, but kisses are like a human right for boyfriends. I’m pretty sure that’s what the UN says anyway. She didn’t need to be a bitch about it.

I guess I should mention that this kinda isn’t the first time I forgot to pick her up. The basketball haze happens a lot these days. It’s probably my form of escapism or something. So, we’re in the car, and I asked her all the right questions, like “what did you learn today honey?” and “was that ugly fatty Marissa as fat as she usually is?” (my girl loves complaining about her classmates), but I wasn’t getting any response. All she said was, “drop me off at Kayla’s house”. Kayla is one of her Hooters coworkers. I thought, cool, a slumber party, girls love slumber parties, it’s the least I can do for being an hour late.

So I made a detour to get to Kayla’s house (another ten miles added to the trip, but again, I’m not complaining since this girl is a hot pocket if I’ve ever seen one) and left her there for the night. I even offered to bring over her extra-comfy PJ’s, but she said she was cool, so I thought, if she’s cool, I’m cool.

Now I wake up to a text that says “we’re through.” I’m sure that feminist broad Kayla put some bad ideas into her head. They probably sat up all night reading “The Feminazi Manifesto” or something. I should never have taken her there. I always told my girl, “that whore Kayla is a bad influence”, and now look what happened.

tl;dr DownToBuck no longer has a girlfriend. But as I’m sitting here typing this, I’m actually not too bummed. Who needs a GF anyway? It’s snowing outside and I’ve got a big-ass mug of hot chocolate. I just got to relive Brian Roberts scoring 19 points. Even better, I just got an email from David Stern wondering what I think about a four-point line. I’m like, duh, four-pointers would make my highlights so much more awesome.

Some people would say that DTB has girl “problems”. That’s the wrong way to think about it. DTB has girl “solutions”.

DownToBuck over and out. Transmission end bitches.

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