Matt Barnes 25 Points Full Highlights (1/15/2014)

Matt Barnes is a paradox. His existence makes crumble the confining walls of reality to release the whirling vortex of the omni-vacuum. Such a being should not be allowed to exist, for it looks upon the orderly rules of nature and scoffs at them, demeans them in the most obscene way possible. A man cursed by angels and blessed by demons, denied by Holiest God and embraced by Unholiest Satan. Where he walks, atoms disintegrate, and universes come together, only to reform and unform themselves anew.

Let me cast off the shroud of flamboyant metaphor and explain myself in a clearer manner. Matt Barnes simultaneously has the most punchable face and least punchable face in the NBA.

“How can it be?” you ask. It is simple. Matt Barnes has an ugly face that would provide much pleasure to the one who would be able to punch it. His eyes are too small, yet simultaneously too wide. His hair is styled with too much product. He looks like one of those tiny angry dogs that yips at everything. Out of all the ugly faces in the league, his would be the most fun to assault with closed fist. It would give the puncher the feeling of righting a wrong, correcting the odd proportions of that dreadful mug.

However, it is commonly accepted that if you were to punish Matt in such a manner, it would be the last thing you ever did, because he would kill you soon after. Be it by hand, knife, gun, or group of armed thugs, your existence would cease sometime between ten and forty seconds after your fist came into contact with his repulsive facade. That is why he is least punchable. No sane person would attempt such a thing.

Matt Barnes twists and turns the laws of science to conform to his will. To, at the same time, have facial characteristics both easily punched and easily ignored for punching, is unprecedented in nature or in laboratory. We must study this being further to determine if other paradoxes are possible, such as a player who both chucks and is a good teammate, or a coach who both emphasizes veterans and young players in his rotations.

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