If you guys want a hint on how to get a start working in the NBA, I’ve got one: apply to be a player’s personal assistant. Nobody wants to take care of these grown-up-yet-still-children players. When my man Fatty D put out an ad for someone to cook and clean for him, I applied immediately. After an interview that was about ten minutes long, I had the job, even though I had not demonstrated any ability to cook Sam’s favorite food (chicken cordon bleu) or manage his budget.
I only “worked” for one day in Dallas before going back home. Presumably, I’ve been fired, but I’m not sure. From this video, it looks like Sam’s still alive, so I wasn’t a total failure. Anyway, the whole point of this little project was to snag a copy of Sam’s grocery list for your amusement and bemusement. Here it is: raw, unfiltered, and totally inappropriate for those with preexisting medical conditions.
-Oatmeal Creme Pies, as many boxes as they have
-Frozen Philly cheesesteak egg rolls
-That frozen garlic bread you put in the oven
-6 24-packs of Tab [ed. note Tab? I’m going to puke]
-Flintstones Multivitamins (grape flavor)
-Ingrediants [sic] for chicken cordon bleu
-Golden Grahams/Cinnamon Toast Crunch cereal bars multipack
-Box of clementines
-Whiskas chicken-flavor cat food for Miss Wibbles
-Whiskas beef-flavor cat food for Leeroy
-Kraft Easy Mac
-If you forget anything I’ll fire you, no pressure though