Andre Drummond 23 Points Full Highlights (4/4/2014)

Guys, listen up. 6’10” isn’t even that tall. I mean, it’s pretty tall, but there are a lot of similarly tall dudes in the NBA. So how the heck does Andre Drummond get all these offensive rebounds? It’s not like other players just stop rebounding as soon as he gets near them. They’re trying their hardest to stop Drummond from getting his hand on that ball, but their efforts are consistently futile.

In my curiosity, I did a little investigative reporting, and my findings are shocking, to say the least.

Having disguised myself as a potted plant in the Pistons’ locker room, I was privy to a whole lot of dumb conversations. Did you know that Rodney Stuckey’s preferred Pringle flavor is sour cream & onion? I didn’t know that, but now I do, and I don’t care. Kyle Singler never shuts up about Runescape, and Brandon Jennings frequently relates (obviously fabricated, but always lewd) tales of his sexual conquests. After several weeks of surveillance, I was getting a little bored (plus a little tired of seeing all these naked guys, I’m not some kind of perv you know), but then I saw something that made all of the waiting worthwhile.

The training staff were implanting magnets into the palms of Drummond’s hands. They would seriously just slice him up and stick some little circular magnets in there, then sew him back up. I’m not making this up. Why would I make something like this up? At first I couldn’t figure out what the magnets were for, but then I got an idea, so I refocused my eavesdropping on the equipment area.

Let me tell you, sitting in a dark closet for three hours, surrounded by basketballs, is not very much fun. But my diligence paid off, and eventually somebody on the Pistons staff came in. He looked a little surprised to see a potted plant in there, but he forgot about it and began his work. Just like they were doing Drummond’s hands, this guy cut open the basketball and taped a bunch of bar magnets to the inside. Then he taped it back up and repeated the process with a bunch of other balls.

tl;dr Drummond uses the power of magnets to magnetize the ball to his hands.

I couldn’t just sit there and do nothing with all this stuff that has come to light, so now I’m writing it here. Last time something like this happened, Adam Silver came to my house with nunchucks and I had to cut him up with my katana made of steel folded a thousand times, so hopefully it doesn’t come to that. But I’m ready. I am always ready. As my grandfather always said, the only things we have are the things we have. He was a smart man.

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