Ben McLemore All 34 Dunks Full Highlights (2013-14 Season Dunkilation)

Ben McLemore walked into the community center with trepidation. He had never really been to a support group before, but his coach had convinced him it was a good idea. And the more Ben had pondered it, the more he agreed with his coach; the events of last season still bothered him more than one would expect.

Entering the fluorescent-lit meeting room, Ben picked out a chair out of the ten or so that were placed in a circle. A few familiar faces were already seated, but Ben tried not to look at them too much; they were here for the same embarrassing reason that he was. He took out his phone and fiddled with it while they waited for the leader to arrive.

Suddenly, a very activated man bounded into the room. “Hi everybody! I’m Steve, and I’m going to be helping you with your problems today!” The assembled basketball players looked distrustfully at the flamboyant man as he sat down in the last remaining empty seat and clapped his hands once. “Okay. So, you all know why you’re here: low field-goal percentages. What we’re going to do this evening is try to work past our problems, so we can find out what causes us to shoot so poorly from the field, despite having single-mindedly trained our whole lives to play this one sport.”

Looking around at the skeptical faces and defensive, arms-crossed postures of his fellow NBA players, Ben realized that all of them had been coerced into this like he had. Nobody wanted to admit that they had a problem.

Steve continued, “So, our first exercise is to say your name and the nature of your problem. Don’t be afraid to put it all out there or ‘throw your teammates under the bus’, so to speak. Nothing said in this room will ever leave it. Why don’t we start to my left?”

The player seated next to Steve sighed and rolled his eyes. “My name is John Salmons, and I shot 36% from the field. The Bucks gave me a huge contract that will probably be my last, so there’s no reason to try anymore.”

Steve clapped his hands excitedly. “Thanks for being honest, John! Let’s just keep going around the circle.”

“My name is Derrick Rose and I shot 35% from the field. After coming back from injury I still had a mindset where I needed to be a superstar, which led me to shoot too many shots. I have a perverse need to prove myself worthy to be Michael Jordan’s equal, thanks to the pressures of the Chicago media.”

“My name is Phil Pressey. I shot a hair over 30% from the field. I’m too short to be a basketball player.”

“My name Alexey Shved. I shoot 32%. I struggle with my reduce role on the Wolves and lose will to keep playing in America. When I do get in game, I shoot whatever shot I am wanting. Then I go home and drink vodka.”

“My name is Iman Shumpert, and I shot 38%. I expend too much effort on the defensive end of the ball to be effective on the offensive end. And I don’t like it when people make fun of my flattop.”

“My name is Tony Snell. I also shot 38% from the field. I’m not the most attractive dude around, so the comparative lack of attention from females caused me to question my worthiness as a basketball player, as a man, and ultimately, as a human being.”

“My name is Ekpe Udoh. I was barely under 40% on the season. That’s not as low as some of you guys, but I’m 6’10” and always playing near the basket, so my percentage is pretty dismal. I attribute it to forcing the issue when I get the ball in the post, since I never get any touches with that so-called ‘point guard’ Brandon Knight running the show.”

“My name is Ricky Rubio and I shot 38% while starting all 82 games. My shot looks fine in practice, but in game situations where I’m tired, my form falls apart. I also can’t finish through contact because I am a soft euro.”

“My name is Brandon Jennings and I shot 37% from the field. I clowned on the Bucks for not having enough talent, thus forcing me to shoot too much, but when I got to a talent-stacked Pistons team, I still jacked up too many crappy shots. I am just a chucker, plain and simple. They should call me Baddy Chuckerson McNobrains.”

Now it was Ben’s turn. He took a deep breath. “My name is Ben McLemore and I shot 38% percent. A combination of factors led to my poor shooting. One, I’m a rookie learning a new system. Two, Isaiah Thomas is not a point guard. Three, DeMarcus Cousins and Rudy Gay hog the ball, limiting ball-movement, and thus, my ability to get a decent open look. Four, the Kings organization is tainted, and nobody can ever succeed there.”

There was more happy clapping from Steve. “That was great you guys! I love the candor and openness. Why don’t we call it a night, and we’ll come back next week to discuss our strategies for improving our pathetic shooting numbers.”

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