Chris Copeland 21 Points/6 Threes Full Highlights (11/1/2014)

Maybe it’s just me, but does Chris Copeland not totally look like an Egyptian pharaoh? That hair is like some kind of elaborate headpiece, and he’s always dressed In Pacers’ gold, which sort of resembles one of those gold coffin thingies that the Egyptians put their mummies in.

I actually traveled to Egypt to find some real mummies for comparison (pictures on the internet don’t do them justice), but all the locals would tell me is to stay out of this one particular pyramid. I figured that must be where all the good mummies are kept, so I waited until two in the morning and then broke in there.

What do you know, I actually did find one of those coffins, but when I took off the lid, the mummy inside was still alive! He was all wrapped-up and brown, and he didn’t speak English, but he could walk around just fine. One of his arms fell off when I tackled him (I wanted to take him home to use as a Halloween decoration) but he was actually pretty strong, he choked me until I was unconscious.

I don’t know how long I was out of the picture, but when I woke up, this mummy dude was carrying me somewhere. I tried to get out of his arms but he slapped me, and, me being so disoriented, I just gave up trying to get away. I don’t know if ancient Egyptians had a term for it, but I totally got bitch-slapped.

He dropped me off in one of the burial chambers and then sealed the entrance up with stones. So, it’s totally dark in here, but I still have my phone for light and for uploading videos. For future reference, the signal inside a pyramid is pretty janky, so I wouldn’t recommend it, but nothing stops me from uploading Copeland highlights.

I’m definitely just going to Halloween Express for my decorations from now on, though. The locals should figure out eventually that I’m in here, so I’m not too worried, but it’s really musty in here, and I didn’t bring anything to drink. I guess I’m just going to have to…COPE with it! Hahahaha!

Somebody come get me.

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