“Hey Mozz, you got any plans for after the game?” asked Gary Harris, approaching a sweaty Timofey Mozgov in the locker room. “Some of the other guys said you’re a pretty wild dude.”
Timofey’s stony look of tiredness broke into a large smile. “This is true, yes. I like to party in the Russian way. I no plan for any escapade tonight, but I change plan for rookie Gary so he have good time.”
“Really, Mozz? That would be sweet!” Gary exclaimed.
“Why don’t you meet at my car in parking lot in hour. It the one with gold rims. I have get some stuff ready.”
Timofey pulled back into the Nuggets’ parking lot after retrieving the goods from some of his Denver-area associates. He considered Gary to be a good friend, if a little naive, and he wondered if his teammates had warned him about the specifics of Timofey’s antics.
“Nice car, man!” complimented Gary, walking up to the expensive car and whistling in appreciation. “What’s all this stuff in the backseat? It looks like a pile of junk to me.”
Timofey laughed. “Oh, not junk. Just some improvise explosive devices, grenades, you know.”
“Whoa, for real? Where’d you get those?”
“It funny. Military bases in US talk big game about security, but I just climb right over fence, no problems. If I try in Russia we not talking right now.”
Gary climbed into the passenger’s seat. “So, where to?”
“Gary is eager, but first, we must prepare,” Timofey responded wisely, tacking out a brick of pure crack-cocaine from underneath his seat. “Take bite, it really get blood pumping.”
Shaking his head vehemently, Gary pushed the offered drug away. “I’m not touching that stuff. It’s fine if you do, but weed is the furthest I go, man.”
Timofey shrugged. “Your loss,” he said before taking a large bite off the brick. Immediately after swallowing, his eyes slammed shut and he began to convulse. Gary watched worriedly until Timofey opened his bloodshot eyes fifteen seconds later. “Okay. Now we ready to have fun.”
They were going way too fast down Denver surface streets. Gary clutched his seat as Timofey repeatedly ignored stoplights and cross-traffic.
“Hey Gary, look in backseat, there surprise wait for you,” Timofey said, having nearly side-swiped a park car before driving the wrong way down a one-way street.
Gary anxiously looked back to the pile of explosives, wondering if he was going to die. He almost did have a heart attack when a naked woman popped out from underneath the pile. “Ready for some fun, baby?”
“Careful with those! You don’t know when one will go off!” Gary exclaimed, barely noticing the generously-appointed woman in front of him. “Timofey, can you just drop me off somewhere? This is making me anxious.”
As the woman climbed over the center console into Gary’s lap, Timofey shook his head, grabbing one of the grenades that had rolled by his feet. Pulling the pin, he threw it out the window.
“DUDE!!!” Gary yelled in disbelief as he received a lap dance. Soon, there was a loud explosion and some screams of agony. “Okay, that’s it. Let me out. Now.”
Timofey turned the car around to go back and inspect the damage, launching more grenades in all directions in between swigs of a bottle of vodka he had gotten from somewhere. The scene they left was chaotic, and police sirens could be heard in the distance.
“I’m not kidding man. Let me out of this damn car,” Gary pleaded, roughly pushing the woman off of him.
Timofey slowed the car to a stop. “Fine. But when cop find you, you be arrested quicker than bear eat unattended orphan child.”
Opening the car door and running from the scene of their crimes, Gary yelled back, “I don’t care, you crazy psycho.”
Again, Timofey shrugged his shoulders and bit another chunk off his rock of crack-cocaine. Some people just didn’t know how to have fun.