Matt Bonner 17 Points/1 Dunk Full Highlights (12/25/2014)

I was enjoying Christmas with my cat Japurri and a bag of flamin’ hot cheetos when there was a knock on my door. I got up to see who my visitor was, hoping secretly that it was that cute latina chick who lives above me, but there was nobody there. However, I did glance down to see a red envelope waiting for me on my doormat.

I took it inside and opened it up. You’re not going to believe me, but it was addressed from ESPN! I might as well just type out the whole thing here:

“Dear DownToBuck,

We love your videos here at ESPN. We’ve been big fans of yours since forever.

Just kidding! I know that ESPN is too large and cumbersome of a company to adequately sate the public’s appetite for individual player highlight videos, but it still makes me mad that you kick our heinies so bad in this niche. It is ridiculous that a lone highlight compiler can outperform us so thoroughly, and I’m sitting here in my executive chair, not able to do anything about it. Not until now, that is.

You may have noticed that we didn’t show a replay of Matt Bonner’s second free throw in today’s San Antonio-OKC matchup. This “mistake” was fully intentional. Let’s see you try to make a highlight video that’s missing this crucial play. Here’s a hint: you can’t. And if you do, nobody will watch it. It’s ruined. It’s tainted. Only sixteen out of seventeen points will be represented, and there’s nothing you can do about it.

Merry Christmas, you miserable loser.


-John Skipper – President, ESPN, Inc.”

Well, the joke’s on them. They were showing the jumbotron in the background while Bonner made his second free throw. Victory is again in my hands. Suck it, ESPN.

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