“Dear John Skipper,
I know that you guys over at ESPN appreciate me and the team that I play for. How could you not, when our endless showcase of alley-oops and power-jams brings untold thousands of viewers to your various content offerings? Let’s be honest here: if me and Blake Griffin didn’t exist, ESPN would be out of business. I’m just putting it out there. Dunks are what the people want, and we provide more of them, in higher quality, than any other combination of players.
With the indisputable facts laid out in plain like this, I’m sure it will surprise you as it surprised me that during your network’s broadcast of the recent Clippers-Blazers game, your TV crew abdicated their duty to show multiple slow-motion replays of my dunks.
I am sure you are as disappointed as I am. But your disappointment will turn to outrage when I bring up an even more egregious failing on your end: one of my dunks was almost entirely cut off by an overlong replay of LaMarcus Aldridge hitting an unexciting hook shot. You cut to my dunk just as I threw it down, but it was a jarring transition, and the home viewer was left with no idea about how the play had developed, no idea how thoroughly the defense was broken down. All they knew was that I ran back up the court while the announcers announced my dunk.
I will not be playing in another ESPN-televised game until you give me your word that incidents such as this will not happen again. And if you renege on that word, you might want to start unloading your stock, because ESPN will join Enron in the list of companies that people thought were too big to fail.