DeMarre Carroll 22 Points Full Highlights (1/14/2015)

When I was watching this game, I was awestruck by DeMarre Carroll’s luscious dreads. I began to have feelings for them that I have not felt in some time. Honestly, I felt a rush that I had not felt since I first watched a George Clinton video at the age of six.

Then, in comes Jae Crowder, and I forgot all about DeMarre Carroll. Crowder’s dreads are full-bodied and lush, in comparison to Carroll’s stringy, limp strands. I imagine cuddling with Carroll’s hair would be akin to cuddling with a pile of tiny metal chains, while cuddling with Crowder’s hair would be like sinking your head into the softest, downiest pillow ever made.

Carroll also has prickly-looking facial hair. If I’m going to snuggle up with your head, I don’t want my face to get itchy. Crowder has the good sense to keep his cheeks free from hair so that when you’re nuzzling him, all you feel is the sweet chocolate skin.

Sorry, DeMarre. You just don’t do it for me anymore.

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