Willie Cauley-Stein is already a good player. For a rookie who never was supposed to have much offensive game, to reach a DeAndre Jordan 0.2 level after just one season is remarkable. It’s doubly surprising because all this happened while he was playing on the Kings, the franchise notorious for ruining young players and forever tainting them with the noxious reek of mediocrity.
In honor of the Kings’ perpetual suckitude, I will now unveil my season’s masterwork: the OFFICIAL KINGS ROOKIES SINCE 2009 POWER RANKINGS
POWER SUBTITLE: (RANKED ON HOW GOOD THEY ARE NOW NOT WHAT THEY CONTRIBUTED TO THE KINGS)
1. Isaiah Thomas – I don’t even remember why the Kings didn’t want this guy anymore. They traded him for nothing even though he was averaging 20 PPG for them. Now he’s part of the Celtics’ core and not the Kings’. Plus, Thomas and Cousins were bros so that makes the whole thing even more confusing. Maybe I’m missing something. Category: good for another team
2. Hassan Whiteside – He’s a beast now, but he was unplayable while with the Kings. It’s hard to say whose fault that is. Just kidding! Since it’s common knowledge that the only thing the Kings know how to do with rookies is ruin their careers, it’s a fair assumption that the Kings tried to ruin Whiteside’s career and came very close to succeeding. Category: good for another team
3. DeMarcus Cousins – He puts up superstar numbers on not-superstar efficiency, especially for a big guy. Does that make him a superstar? Can you even be a superstar if your team loses too many games? Will they ever put good talent around him (Rudy Gay doesn’t count)? Is there even any talent you could put around Cousins that wouldn’t implode within ten games? Category: good for the Kings
4. Tyreke Evans – Rookie of the year over Stephen Curry. Guess which one is the MVP right now? That’s right: the one who never played for the Kings. This narrative practically writes itself: the Kings ruin young players. Case closed. Too EZ. Category: okay for another team
5. Willie Caulie-Stein – As I said, he’s already DeAndre Jordan 0.2. Not sure what his fit next to Cousins is, but I’m optimistic that WCS will turn out to be a valuable player for some team. It just might not be the Kings. Category: good for the Kings
6. Omri Casspi – If you thought that Isaiah Thomas was bros with Cousins, you should see this guy. They’re so cute together. Reminder: if you don’t playfully adjust each other’s headbands while playing basketball, you’re not bros. Also, I just realized I don’t have any true bros in my life. Hold me. Category: okay for the Kings
7. Ben McLemore – If he could just shoot a little better he wouldn’t be toeing the line between bust and nonbust. We can blame this one on coach Karl’s geriatric boner for Marco Belinelli. Category: okay for the Kings
8. Nik Stauskas – The Kings gave up very quickly on this guy so using reverse Kings logic that probably means he’s secretly good and we just don’t know it yet. Ask me again in two years. Category: bad for another team
9. Thomas Robinson – He was supposed to be NBA ready. I’m pretty sure Robinson’s agent just made that part up. All he can do is rebound. And be a bust. If you go back and look at pre-draft commentary some people thought this guy would go first overall. Category: bad for another team
10. Jimmer Fredette – Showed some flashes with the Kings, then they just straight up waived him. He’s sucked ever since. Category: bad for another team
[POWER GAP – THE FOLLOWING DUDES ARE NO LONGER IN THE LEAGUE OR IF THEY ARE THEY SHOULDN’T BE]
11. Ray McCallum – Kings fans were high on McCallum but he went to the Spurs and then they waived him. I bet he could still be a third-string backup on a twenty-win team.
12. Jon Brockman – Undersized PF who couldn’t score. He was on the Bucks so I had first hand experience with how bad he sucked.
13. Pooh Jeter – Named after a bodily function. Not sure how you derive “Pooh” from “Eugene”. Probably overseas or something right now.
14. Tyler Honeycutt – Once dunked on a guy. Seriously. Look it up.
15. David Stockton – Something something nepotism
16. Sim Bhullar – Something something international growth of the NBA brand
17. Eric Moreland – Still on the team as of this year! Whoa!
18. David Wear – The Kings saw how awful Travis Wear was on the Knicks and decided they wanted an awful player too. Since they obviously didn’t have enough already. Burn. Again, too EZ.
19. Duje Dukan – LOL (Lots of Laughs)
20. Royce White – A guy who can’t fly in airplanes probably shouldn’t be in the NBA. At least the Kings weren’t the ones who drafted him.
Thus ends the OFFICIAL KINGS ROOKIES SINCE 2009 POWER RANKINGS. If you’re reading this you should just go watch the video right now. I’m sorry you read all that.