Today I had the police called on me.
So I woke up this morning in the mood to make some more highlight videos, but as has been happening for the past few weeks, when I walked into my living room my attention was immediately diverted to, you guessed it, the twelve-foot-tall 3D-printed naked purple Buddy Hield statue that’s taking up all my floor space. Seeing that huge statue always reminds me of how I spent over $3000 dollars on it while drunk on hype, and let me tell you, it’s not fun to be reminded of that on a constant basis.
And, you know, if we’re being honest here, the fact that Buddy’s extra-large…equipment…is on display at all times doesn’t help my mood any. I would turn him around so he’s face down but that then I have to look at his naked purple ass, which isn’t any better really.
So my highlight-making vibe was ruined and when I saw my kitty Japurri Purrker sitting snuggling in the crook of Buddy’s plastic arm, I kind of lost it. I ran over to the thing and started punching and kicking it while yelling things like “I hate you” and “I wish you were out of my life forever” and “You’re a stupid bitch, take that you dumb bitch.” Japurri got scared and ran away while I assaulted all twelve feet of Buddy’s immense purple nakedness.
Then, next thing I know, the police are knocking on my door telling me that one of my neighbors was reporting domestic abuse at my residence. I didn’t want to get arrested obviously so I overcame my embarrassment and decided to come clean about the whole thing. I was just explaining how DTB is done with women forever when the two cop dudes saw my statue lying there behind me and starting laughing uncontrollably. I thought that was unprofessional of them so I started recording it with my phone just in case they decided to assault me or something.
I guess them seeing my huge 3D-printed mistake taking up my whole place convinced them that I wasn’t actually a domestic abuser, so that part was okay. But then when they went to leave one of them called my Buddy Hield statue “a huge sex toy”. I was so defeated and sad at that point that I just let them laugh at me a little bit more before they left. Once they were gone I tried to cheer myself up with some Hot Pockets but it didn’t even work, I’m just as sad as before.
So not only is this thing CUCKING me with my own cat AND the hot latina in my complex, but it nearly got me arrested, and now the police think I’m some kind of deviant pervert. God damn it.